eliinaworld

There's always a dark spot..

2010-06-23T00:52:00.002+03:00

I've been very happy lately! =) Seriously happy! =)

First. I made it quits with the Social Democratic Youth. I did have regrets a bit before their board gathered but the more time goes on I realize how right that decision was. Being with some people there made me so unhappy and I didn't even realize how much! True friends from that organization know how to contact me in other ways and I truly appreciate still having them in my life! =)

Second. I attended my pre-departing training and it made me realize that I'm really really going away for a year. I did know it before but there it just turned into reality. This means...

Third. I have now only a month + few days of working left. August I will take for myself- for attending the camp in Norway, for throwing my farewell-party, for just relaxing and getting almost normal sleeping schedule back.

Fourth. My darling Liisu graduated from high-school. She looked amazing and I'm so proud of my adoptive sister! =)

All these things make my soul feel light. And I can't wait for my EVS year to begin! It will be a great one, I'm sure! =)

But with all the happiness there still is a thorn in my soul. There's worry about one particular person. And it's actually driving me insane not to be able to do anything about it. I wish I could help. But it's not allowed. I hope that this certain part of me will get fixed soon. Otherwise I'm afraid my sadness will come back.

Huh, I'm going to shake it off now. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Will be in happy-mood again =)

38 days left until Experience 2010!!! =D

Movies of 2010

2010-05-11T23:45:00.003+03:00

I started to think about the movies of 2010 I need to go to see in the movies. Plus what movies I have to rent since I haven't seen them.

Renting (or downloading)-
Avatar (can't believe I missed it)
(500) Days of Summer (recommendedby a friend)
Taking Woodstock (recommended)
Disko ja tuumasõda (recommended)

Movies-
The A-Team (not sure if it's good, but I need to know myself)
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (even though I didn't like New Moon at all I'm hoping David Slade made a better job)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (tradition)
Sex and the City 2 (I'm a girl, what more can I say?)
Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D (I do have the first 2 movies in DVD's at home, quite like the saga even though it's not my favorite genre)

Any other suggestions? =)

2010-05-07T15:53:00.002+03:00

The more I talk and explain the bitchier I feel. Am I trying to convince others or myself? Am I really as bad as they're saying?
This doesn't help at all..

The drawer.

2010-05-07T01:04:00.002+03:00

I feel like my brain could explode sometimes. I have so many thoughts in my head and they are all mixed up and tangled like a ball of yarn. And I can't seem to manage to untangle them. Where to start? And some thoughts and questions will haunt me forever, until I get my answer. And the answer has to be thorough in order for me to discard it. And I hate not having a person beside me who knows me and accepts me the way I am. Okay, I have few people like that, but they are mostly far away. And let's be honest. Msn, facebook, phone calls.. they just don't fill the feeling, the longing.. Sometimes I wish to jump. Jump and just keep falling. And not have to think. Pure of thoughts, pure of everything. Just the air in my lungs and the wind on my skin. I long for silence. But it's impossible now. And I keep collecting thoughts in my brain. I call it my drawer, because I'm incapable to store them on a piece of paper. Even this post is difficult and takes a lot of willing.
I miss you! And you! And you! And I just need you to contact me, stop being to distant. I need you.

Say you love someone if you do!

2010-04-14T01:44:00.003+03:00

Got a little scare tonight. But I'm glad Peter and Marie got away with minor injuries!
Life is short. Seriously. It could all end just like that. It's a matter of seconds. I told Peter that I love him the day before and I will tell it now even more often. Because I don't want him not to know it.
Cherish your friends and loved ones!
Hugs.

Maybe you know?

2010-03-13T02:45:00.002+02:00

Why do people always love wrong people? I know I have asked this question before but this time it came haunting again.

We never believe in us. We never believe that we are worth the best. And thus we torment ourselves with loving persons who (if you really tell yourself the truth) will never love you the way you love them. For them you are like a shoulder to cry on, a place to let your sorrow out. But it ends there. Because they take their happy thoughts and moments somewhere else. And you, who has seen the weak side of a human being fall in love. And since you know the persons deepest secrets and you understand why he is acting like that you let yourself to be treated badly; while saying yourself- 'It's okay, he doesn't mean it like that. Not really. He just has to solve the problems he has and then he will see how wonderful he is.' And secretly you hope things between you and him will change. From friendship to more.

But it won't. It may be pessimistic but through this misery you could actually miss the person you were supposed to be with all along. Yeah, yeah. If it's supposed to be true love then it will happen anyway. But I just have to ask myself- how long I can and must wait? When is the right time to give up and grab some other great potential relationship possibility; or when is the right time to wait?

Fortunately I don't have to deal with this kind of a problem at the moment. But a good friend of does. We haven't known each other for long but I already know this person is going to be my friend for a very long time. And I hate when friends of mine are hurting. It always makes me feel hopeless. But I'm trying not to pressure, I try to let my friend deal with it by herself/himself. I hope the right decision comes. No matter what, I'll sit beside you.

---

But me. I'm happy now. I always feel happy when being with Active people. I feel like home. I'm just sad that tomorrow it will end. Not for eternity but for this time. But it will feel like an eternity nevertheless. Anyways. Sweet dreams, my dears, time for bed.

XOXO, the Russian girl =P

A.

2009-10-15T04:20:00.000+03:00

I would never have thought I could actually hate myself more than I already do.

I had to do it. For the greater good, you see.

Do you?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2009-10-11T13:41:00.001+03:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I wanna scream!! =s

Life shows.

2009-10-11T12:54:00.004+03:00

Yesterday my Paide girls came to Tartu again because our favorite band was playing in Püssirohukelder. The night was great mostly but still there are some bad memories to have. When we arrived there it was about 20.45. We sat in a table and while Mona was putting away our coats a dude from a near-by table yelled at her 'Meat! Meat!'. Well. Nice, isn't it? That was kind of innocent. We let it go quickly. The band invited us to their table as usual so we got away from that unwanted company.

Dancing. We dance in a circle. Normal, right? It usually is. From time to time Mona or Moonika or me have to bounce some people away from Lenna cause they stumble on her (for those who don't know- Lenna is in a wheelchair). Well, yesterday was pure madness. Seems all we did was fight off people who fell on her. Usually we just slightly push the people away with dance moves and sometimes we have to tell people to be careful. It's enough then. But not yesterday. From the same 'Meat' company there were people who were obviously drunk and dancing with no sense of rhythm or music for that matter. We frequently told them to be careful, pushed them away with little more force even but they were to shitfaced to comprehend the problem. And from what we saw we don't think it was just alcohol that made them so blear-eyed but we suspect there were some kind of drugs involved also. When the band wasn't playing they 'danced' to the stereo music. They fell down a lot. At some point the security guard (finally) came and threw a girl out.

That of course wasn't the most eventful happening of the evening. We were dancing and then we heard it. A big crashing sound. I turned around just when I saw the shards of glass flying all around. http://www.pyss.ee/?page=7&sub=2&pilt=1503 . If You look at the picture then to the left situates the stage. In front of it is the dance floor. And beside the floor there are the 4 tables you can see in the picture also. Well. The thing that crashed was a wooden barrel that fell off the display section between the first and the second storey. It landed exactly there were some minutes ago a group of people were sitting. Thank God they were dancing also!!! And it wasn't the pubs fault! Some asshole was standing on the barrel (that's what the lead singer told us) and when he decided to climb back up he accidentally kicked the barrel away. Really. I can't imagine what the people who were there just minutes before felt after that bang. Even I was shaken by it. Moonika took time to calm me down. Things like that bring up my worst memories. Things I've witnessed. Things that happen to me I can mostly forget; but if someone else is hurt it will haunt me forever.

I already lacked a good nights sleep and yesterday when I only had 3 hours for sleep I just couldn't. So now I am here, sitting at work and fighting the desperate urge to sleep. Few hours left, yes!!=) And then I'm offline till tomorrow evening. I hope I can sleep tonight.

What I wanted to say with this post is that this is why I hate alcohol more and more every freaking day. It would never(!) have happened if that man had been sober!!

And girls! Thank you again for a wonderful night! It never is boring with you, isn't it? =D

Hugs to you all!

Jumping over my shadow.

2009-10-01T23:52:00.002+03:00

I've always been like that. Whenever I have bad mood I prefer to deal with it alone. I hate people's eyes on me when I feel myself ugly. And sadness makes me feel ugly and not worthy of showing. I prefer people remembering the goofy silly laughing me. That is why my best friends have to suffer so much. They want to help but I just won't let them. "Get over it, Eliina. That's what friends are for!" I keep telling myself over and over again. It's so hard. Now I have 2 persons in my life with whom I feel almost just a little bit comfortable being with when I don't feel like being with people. That's a really big step for me. I really hope I'll manage it better in the future and stop being such a whiny ass bitch. Phoof.

Something...

2009-09-16T04:09:00.002+03:00

Hey everyone who actually read my blog! =)

Once again I have to apologize for not writing for so long. Life has been mostly the same- work and sleep and sometimes a bit politics. A week ago I turned 23. Doesn't feel old at all but since Peter insisted on calling me a grandma, I'm going with 20+ =D

About politics. I'm running for the Council of Tartu. Getting in there is utopia, since it only has 49 places. And on my party's list I'm no29. Utopia today, reality tomorrow. All and all I think it's a good experience, any vote for my party is a step towards a better society, at least that's what I believe in.

Sleep is as always- very chaotic. Although I can't seem to get enough of it lately. I sleep A LOT but still I feel tired all the time. I think I'm stressed because my hair are falling out with bigger and bigger handfuls every day. Don't know why I'm stressed cause nothing's really wrong in my life and there's nothing to stress about. Maybe a bit because of work but I'll drop the subject now. Inside problems, that's all I say.

And I want to get out of Estonia for a while. There's Germany.. where I could visit my relatives and Peter.. and of course other Juvente DE people I know. And there's also Switzerland which I miss the most. Switzerland at fall is the most beautiful! Autumn is anyways my favorite time of the year and If you add beautiful nature to it then it's like a fairytale! And company there wouldn't be bad also =p And then there's Ireland- the one country I've always wanted to visit. Don't ask me why.. there are so many reasons and I'm not sure I want to publicize them.

I do get my free time also- and by that I mean the time with my wonderful friends. Mostly I spend my free days reading or playing HP4 on the computer =p My birthday was amazing. I got well-wishes from everywhere, including across the ocean =D And then there was Friday when my darlings Mooni, Lenna & Mona came from Paide =)

I miss Merit a lot- YOU'RE WORKING TOOO MUCH! I guess we'll have time to spend with each other in October.
Oh.
No.
Then the active campaigning is on.
November?

At the end of October there will be the Autumn School of the Social Democratic Youth.. I can't wait for that any longer! There could be some people who I haven't seen in ages and miss a lot and I'm happy if they come there! =)

Right now I'll live my life quietly as always. Nudge me If you want to know more about what's going on in my life ;) Although I'm more visible in Facebook or Twitter. See you there ;)

=(

2009-08-29T17:15:00.002+03:00

Something really big is missing in my life. Like a huge piece of me is gone, away, in an unknown place.

Merit knows... 2011, 2011, 2011. I'll survive till then!!

Grr.

2009-08-11T12:01:00.002+03:00

Is it reasonable to make other people's lives much harder so yours could be easier? Well. In my opinion that makes a person an utter bitch/bastard.

Active.

2009-07-30T03:18:00.003+03:00

Wow. Already over a month since I last wrote something here? Well. I'm sorry. I guess I didn't have anything to say... Now I do have some thoughts I would like to share with You.

As some of You might know I had my vacation. And I used it to go to the Active summer camp. This time in Albania. The last Active event I went to was in 2005. Plus the 'Get out of the box' seminar in Estonia 2006/2007. So I've been away from Active and it's people for a long time. I had other interests and I thought that I don't have any room for Active in my life. I was so wrong. Being in Albania with all those wonderful people just made me realize how much I've missed it. I bet Maik feels proud now.

The camp made me remember why I used to live that lifestyle before; why I said no to alcohol and such. I felt like myself in so many ways in that camp. Not the Eliina I used to be but better and improved. At least I like to think like that. From one way it's great and everything this epiphany but on the other hand it's scary and I feel quite alone now. The people I 'hang out' with now are mostly alcohol consumers. But I think some of them will respect my decision to leave alcohol behind me forever =) And with that thought I'm not alone. Seriously. I have so many amazing friends in so many countries that I couldn't be alone even If I tried to =p And the distance between us gets shorter and shorter. Thank God for planes- my favourite invention of all time! =)

I do feel happy- and it's wonderful! =)Now I have so much to look forward to- Norway next summer and hopefully something else in between ;) I've missed this type of family in my heart. And I'm glad they're with me in their thoughts. I truly do love You guys!!

Am I actually growing up? :s

Dreams are my sanctuary.

2009-06-22T21:01:00.002+03:00

I feel so cut off from the real world lately. Everything is so surreal. I don't enjoy anything. Everything gets on my nerves. I get comfort from fictional characters. It doesn't make a difference whether through a book or a movie. And I live with them in my dreams, making my own stories to fit their lives. I listen to certain singers like they are singing only for me, because their lyrics describe exactly my thoughts.

Crazy, huh? I know.

But somehow it makes me feel happy. Or happier than I am at the moment. When I get old and senile I wish I would have the same dreams I am having now. Although. They are getting worse after every night. Not ending happily. Mostly I wake up exhausted and dazed. I feel like I'm losing that comfort also. What's wrong with me? Is the real world so bad that I can't put myself in it? Why won't I just get out of my home to meet my friends (If I have any of them left anymore)? I crave for loneliness. I think my job is to blame. After communicating with people all day long I just want peace. Sometimes even peace from myself. So I read. And watch movies. Quite depressing.

2009-06-22T16:02:00.001+03:00

I hate when Youtube does this:

"This video is not available in your country due to copyright restrictions."

What the hell is wrong with MY country, huh?

A person can complain. And do that again.

2009-06-13T19:01:00.003+03:00

Reading the reviews on a certain page about the hotel I work in I just can't stop sneering. One comment that people leave sounds mostly like this- "The receptionist can't speak my language!" Oh dear god! Could that person be more of an egoist? I'm sure it's the same regardless of the country. Neighbor countries should speak their language? In Estonia the biggest complainers are of course the Finnish and the Russians. Why the hell should You presume that all people in Estonia can speak Finnish and Russian; and that perfectly? It's humanly impossible to learn all the languages in the world! People make choices. Including the choice which language to learn at school. I chose the languages I felt I can speak easily and can be useful in the future. I haven't learned any Finnish at school, but at least I try to. And for that You start to complain? Learn ENGLISH!! That's the international language all should speak! I wonder why Latvians don't presume I speak Latvian as well? :p And we don't presume Latvians can speak Estonian? Paldies for that ;)

Out of the box, people, out of the box!

Pt, pt, pt.

2009-06-12T19:27:00.002+03:00

I should really start taking risks. And that in the right places. I'm always wrong, aren't I?

PS. Can't wait for my sweethearts coming to visit me among other things. God, I miss them. Tomorrow couldn't come slower!

PSPS. July. Should I or shouldn't I. I want to. I will eliminate the obstacles. Fast.

PSPSPS. I know, it doesn't make sense at all.

Öötöö hakkab juba mõju avaldama.

2009-05-30T01:59:00.002+03:00

Tänase öö tsitaate minu suust:

"See on ka üks Hollywoodi näitleja. Hästi kole, aga pole hullu!"

"Meeletud koduperenaised." (rääkides siis Meeleheitel koduperenaistest)

"Ta oli liiga rase."

Ja õde mul:

"Mis päris pruut?"

Ilmselgelt me ei tohi koos tööl olla :D

Mõrvar.

2009-05-28T13:19:00.002+03:00

Mul on tänase hommikupoolikuga kogunenud juba 8 surma hingele.

Sääsed, raisk.

-- deem- EDIT! Sekund enne postituse saatmist tapsin sääse nr.9.

Kes kannatab, see kaua elab.

2009-05-28T12:18:00.004+03:00

Olen peale Twilight'i nägemist ja järje filmimise väljakuulutamisest saati jälginud lehekülge www.newmoonmovie.org . See on ühe fänni tehtud lehekülg, kus saab detailideni teada New Moon'i näitlejate tegevusest ja filmimise kulgemisest. Täna ma tegin vea ja avasin ühe spoileri lingi. Mh. Rikkus palju mu jaoks ära, liigagi palju. Seega otsustasin, et 5 minutit tagasi vaatasin seda veebilehte viimast korda. Alles peale filmi kinodesse jõudmist loen 125. leheküljest edasi.
Kannatan ja vaatan novembris täispikka filmi Ekraanis koos Meritiga hoopis. Ongi põnevam :D

Karjäär teleturus.

2009-05-27T17:51:00.000+03:00

The Fartcatcher 3000- seda Heiki ostaks :p

Puhkus?

2009-05-25T23:40:00.002+03:00

Mul oli puhkus 18.-24.mai. Ametlikult. Aga tänu ilusale graafikule olid mul vabad ka 16. ja 17.mai.

16.mai- Terve päev läks koristamise nahka. Õhtul oli oodata külalisi mu soolaleivale. Merit oli see, kes kõige esimesena jõudis ja kellega koos ma ka toidu- ja joogikraami ostma läksin. Pärast ta aitas põrandat katta (mul pole lauda toa keskel). Õhtu oli ääretult lõbus. Eriti kihvt oli koos oma sõpradega Eurovisiooni vaadata. Norra võit ei olnud kellelegi üllatus, aga ma ei saa siiani aru, miks see laul nii eriline on. Mulle ta ei meeldi. Aga küllap hakkab siis meeldima, kui kõigil teistel on see kopa ette visanud, nii palju ma ennast tunnen.
Aitäh neile, kes mulle külla jõudsid! :) Ja aitäh kinkide eest!

17.mai- ma ausõna ei mäleta sellest päevast midagi. See pole pohmelusest ega muust taolisest, sest olin laupäeval täiesti kaine. Süüdistage mu haugimälu.

18.mai- hommikul ärkasin vara, sest pidin kella 9ks ema juurde jõudma. Plaan oli maale sõita. Maja ette jõudes helistasin ja teatasin, et olen all ning mul kästi üles ronida, sest sättimine veel käib. Ei teinud just tuju heaks. Mökutamine käis kuni 9.45ni. Kasutasin seda aega oma meilide lugemiseks. Lõpuks ometi saime minema. Tartust väljumise küll aga 10.30, kuna oli vaja hankida bensiini, kalmuküünlaid ja õde auto peale võtta. Jõudsime lõpuks Palale. Arsti juures käidud, liikusime Viljusele. Sain külateele jõudes rooli taha (emal oli hea tuju). Väga lahe oli jälle üle tüki aja sõita. Võiks ennast kokku võtta ja load lõpuks ära teha. Võtsime Viljuselt paar vajalikku asja ja siis me kihutasime juba vanatädi poole, et talle tere öelda. Meid ootas kook ja kohv. Ääretult mõnus oli üle tüki aja jälle koos olla. Hiljem käisime veel surnuaial ja siis kiirelt Tartusse. 14.45 pidin juba Ekraani juures olema, aga ikkagi hilinesin, sest emal ja vanaemal oli poodi ka vaja minna.

Jõudsin lõpuks kino juurde. Läksime Meritiga Ingleid ja deemoneid vaatama. Täitsa hea film oli. Välja tulles nägin 3 vastamata kõnet. Alati helistatakse siis, kui pole aega vastata. Kahjuks ma AHL'i akende pesemisele ei jõudnudki. Meritiga kino ees seistes nägime Star Treki postrit ja seansiaega 21.40. Mõtlesime, et what the hell, lähme vaatama :p Piletid ostetud, läksime Ludo'sse- see on lauamängude pood Riia mäel. Ääretult muhe teenindaja oli seal ning me saime Meritiga kõhutäie naerda. Hiljem liikusime Meriti poole. Teel haarasime paar pizzat kaasa. Kui kõht täis, kõndisime taas kino poole. Live long and prosper. Haha. Päris vaadatav film oli. Ja siis lõpuks koju. Seal tuli meelde, et Mp3 ja Harry Potter jäid ema autosse. Hõissa.

19.mai- Äratus 8.30. Eurobussi kampaaniad Jõgeval ja Palamusel. Õhtu veetsime tiimiga Voorel. Tore oli. 22.45 jäin teleka ees magama. Öösel ärkasin, sest keegi tropp rääkis liiga kõvasti- telekas loomulikult.

20.mai- Äratus taas 8.30. Eurobussi kampaaniad Mustveel ja Põltsamaal. Õhtul Tartus sain veel kokku Liinaga. Istusime McDonalds'i parklas, nautisime jäätisekokteile ja üksteise seltskonda =).

21.mai- Plaan oli hommikul ema juurde pesu pesema minna, aga magasin hoopis ülbelt sisse. Unevajadus oli. Kella 14 paiku jõudis kohale Moonika :D Läksime linna peale jalutama. Ostsime jäätist ja istusime Jaani kiriku juures pingil. Päike soojendas mõnusasti. Hea oli muljetada vahepeal toimunust, näeme üksteist ikka liialt harva. Kuna Merit ootas meid külla, siis asusime tema poole teele. Tegime lauamängude õhtu, mis kestis südaööni. Ja nalja sai kõvasti. Alustasime Scrabble'iga (kui ma ei eksi). Siis mäng nimega Take it easy. Järgmisena Maailma Imed, mis oli tohutult tujurikkuv ning selle mängu jätsime kiirelt pooleli (selle mänguga saavad hakkama ainult akadeemikud/geeniused). Viimasena Imago. Kuna meid endid oli ainult viis, siis tühjad lahtrid täitsime nimedega Rolf (Junior/Roosalu) ja Savimees (take a wild guess who THAT is). Päris huvitav oli eelarvamustele tuginedes arvata, mida nemad mingis olukorras teeks või oleks :)
Lõpuks liikusime Moonikaga kodu poole, teel hüppasime läbi Statoilist. Enne magamaminekut võis minu voodis näha kaht neidu, kes lugesid mõlemad küünlavalgel oma Twilight'i. Hihii.

22.mai- Hommikul ärkasime plaaniga minna Lõunakasse. Merit ei saanud kahjuks meiega ühineda. Ühistransport meie puhul on nagunii suur NO-NO, seega jalutasime sinna. Kohapeal tuulasime paaris poes. Kleiti ma endale ostetud ei saanud, kuna see lihtsalt ei sobinud, pähh. Otsisin ka vabaaja kingi, aga minu kriteeriumitele ei vastanud ükski paar. Siis tegin ma pattu ja kulutasin raha järjekordsete kontsakingade peale. Need panen ma jalga ainult väga tähtsatel üritustel, sest nad on muuks liiga ilusad. Oeh.

Peale Lõunakat läksime korraks koju, kus tegime lõunauinaku. Lihtsalt kohutav, kui väsinud me olime. Uinak oli minu meelest liiga lühike :p Igatahes peatselt jooksis Moonika ühele kohtumisele ja mina hakkasin sättima õhtuks. Esimesena läksin Juvente rock'n'rolli peole. Jõudsin sinna liialt vara ning sain paarkümmend minutit nautida Kassitoomet. Lõpuks jõudsid ka Ena ja Vanakas ning mind kupatati kööki. Paar minutit hiljem saabus Moonika. Noad kätte ja asusime juur- ja puuvilju lõikuma. Vaikselt tulid ka teised ning mu süda rõkkas iga kord. Moonika muigas kõrval, sest tema jaoks oli see seltskond võõras, aga minu jaoks olid nad kunagi pere. Mõnes mõttes on siiani. Õhtu oli täis nalja ja naeru ja mulle kohati pisarate tagasihoidmist- mälestuste tulv oli suur. Lahkusime Moonikaga kell 23, et minna kuulama Big Benis ansamblit Väike Mees. Kahju oli kõige rohkem sellest, et Lennat ja Monat polnud meiega. Tantsisime siiski nagu hullud ja seda üldjuhul kahekesi tantsuplatsil. Tüüpiline, eks ole L&M? :D Peale pidu külastasime taas Statoili. Traditsioon on kujunemas :p

23.mai- Äratus oli väga varajane. 6.40. Aga ma ikkagi lükkasin kella edasi. 7.20 ajasime end lõpuks üles. Kell 8 olime juba kontori juures. Oleks seda teadnud, et Tiit hilineb (mis tegelikult ei üllata), poleks me ilmselt nii palju kiirustanud. Tohutult nõme oli Moonikat nii vara üles ajada, aga loodan südamest, et ta väga ei pahanda. Vähemalt sai ta hommikul ühelt kenalt noormehelt kallistuse. Saaks minagi neid nii tihti ja nii põhjalikult :p

Moonikaga hüvasti jäetud, liikusime Tallinna poole. Seiklus Kevadkool 2009 võis alata! :) Mäol tegime Statoilis peatuse (mis tuletab meelde- Kertu, lähme vormistame selle Extra-kaardi lõpuks ära:)). Ostsime süüa-juua. Tiidu autos pole topsihoidjat, seega panin oma kakao enda ette armatuurile. Kertu hakkas mingi hetk liikuma ning Tiit andis oma hotdogi minu kätte. Hoidsin siis nii enda kui tema hotdogi. Kakao olemasolu olin selleks ajaks juba unustanud. Võite kolm korda arvata, mis esimeses kurvis juhtus. Oli selline mõnus slow-motion moment, kus sa näed midagi kukkumas, aga ei saa teha midagi, et seda takistada. Teksad said kakaoseks. Enda peale olin ikka maruvihane. Saatsin Raigole ka sõnumi juhtunust, et nad saaks Kertu autos natuke naerda :D Õnneks teadsin, et mul on varupüksid olemas. Võtsin need kaasa tänu sellele, et volikogul korralikult riides olla. Aga sellest pikemalt hiljem. Ülejäänud tee läks kiirelt. Ehmatasime Tiiduga Ivari vist põhjalikult ära, sest kui Judy Garland hakkas Ipodis laulma, siis laulsime ka meie Tiiduga kõvasti ja valesti kaasa: Somewheeeere over the raaainbooow...

Tallinnas suundusime bussijaama, et Kertu autosse veel võtta kaks Viljandi tüdrukut. Kohapeal teatas Raigo, et ka tema ajas autos kakaod laiali. Küll mitte nii mahukalt kui mina, aga siiski :p Ints ütleks ilmselt selle peale "Te olete nii ühtekad" :D Senikaua kui kõik teised olid neid peatuses ootamas, vahetasin ma autos pükse. Suht avalik tegevus oli :p Siis liikusime kontorisse. Päris suure ringiga saime kohale :D Aga mis Sa tahad- tartlased Tallinnas, eks ole :p Kertu saadetud sõnum oli küll tippude tipp :D

Kontorist liikusin mina oma grupiga Kristiinesse kampaaniat tegema. Tubli tiim oli. Aitäh Teile Elo, Reelika, Rommy, Rami, Taavi ja Indrek!

Ja siis sõit Laulasmaale. See oli hulka lühem sõit kui ma arvasin, aga see-eest mitte grammigi sündmustevaene. Elo, Sirli ja Ramiga pooltund ühes autos on lihtsalt hämmastavalt ergutav :D Kohapeal jagati meid tubadesse ja seejärel "peredesse". Elolased olid minu pere- Elo, Reelika, Indrek, Ivar, Tiit ja mina. Oli 4 peret ja need hakkasid Kevadkooli vältel üksteisega võistlema. Meie algus polnud paljutõotav, aga me parandasime oma positsiooni iga võistlusega. Eriti kihvt oli petanque. Seda võitu ei unusta vist niipea. Jüri Tamm käis ka noorsotsidega rääkimas. Õhtul ootas muidki tegevusi ja üllatusi. Ja siis vaba aeg. Kõik muu juhtunu jääb Laulasmaale, minu mälestustesse ja selle seltskonna vahele, kes sellest osa said :P

Magama sain alles 4.30, ma arvan. Nägin halba und ja magasin tegelikult kehvasti, aga ärkasin juba 8.30.

24.mai- Hämmastavalt energiline olin kogu ülejäänud päeva. Minu pere võitis :D Uhke olen nende üle! :) Ahjaa. Tiit pidi loomulikult oma autot tükkideks tegema ja sellega pooled mu närvid ära sööma. Kõik teised olid juba ammu Tallinnas kui meie alles liikuma saime. See põhjustas meie hilinemise volikogule. Rõõmus see volikogu polnud, sest lisaks asejuhataja mittevalimisele jäi valimata ka poliitikavaldkonna juht. Minu silmis ülekohus Martini üle, aga ma siiralt loodan, et ta järgmine kord taas kandideerib. Ise ma olen otsustanud, et ma enam ei kandideeri asejuhataja kohale. Leidku parem kandidaat. Püüan olla vähemalt eeskujulik volikogu liige siis.

Tagasi sõitsin juba Kertu autos. Alguses oli sõit mu jaoks nukrameelne. Olin nii omas mullis ja pisaradki jooksid üle põskede. Tartu poole jõudes läks tuju natuke paremaks.

25.mai- Magasin konkreetselt päev otsa. Puhkus on möödas, aga puhata nagu ei saanudki. Nüüd juba tööl. Mõtteid on siiamaani peas sadu ja selgust ei paista. Lubasin Marisele, et ma liialt ei mõtleks teatud asjadele. Püüan.

Jään ootama järgmist puhkust ja järgmist hooajakooli :) Muus osas- elu läheb samamoodi edasi nagu seni. Töötähe all ;)

Minu postkast.

2009-05-25T23:31:00.002+03:00

Tirisin eelmisel nädalal oma postkastilt maha kleepsu "Palun valimisreklaamiga mitte tülitada" või mis ta oligi. Ilmselt oli see eelmise omaniku kleebitud. Edukas oli see tegu. Kohe järgneval päeval oli mu postkastis reformikate Eurokiri. Täna aga sain Kesikute reklaami. Vaatan mina siis seda ja loen ja imestan. Mis põrgut pidi on see, et Ansipi valitsus kuskile ei kõlba, üldse seotud Eurooa Parlamendiga? Kui Eesti vajab vahetust, siis seda kohalikel valimistel ja kindlasti kohe mitte nende näol, kes ajavad meie riigi oma tobedate naiivsete lubadustega uppi. Ja seda nad ka ei maini, et Reformid ja Kesikud on Europarlamendis ühes fraktsioonis, nii et siinne üksteise materdamine ei tähenda tegelikult midagi. Loodan, et inimesed ei ole nii lollid, et nende poolt hääletada. Aga see vaid minu tagasihoidlik arvamus.

"What?"..

2009-05-06T07:12:00.002+03:00

... that's the question they had in their eyes when we entered the hospital. My sister and I just despise going there now. I know that it is hard for the hospital workers because they are working too much for a shitty pay and their salaries are being cut even more, but for the love of god- stop being such bitches! When times are difficult and I'm confused and probably can't think straight, then please-please be reasonable! I don't work there! Don't look at me like I'm an idiot for not knowing the way to a fucking department. I'm so mad I can't even describe it. I really thought that a hospital is a place where people are nice to You, taking into consideration Your current moment; but I was wrong, oh so wrong! They just don't give a fuck! It just clearly shows there's something truly wrong with the system. If this kind of attitude will still be there when I'm in the need to be there, I'd rather not be. My poor family who has to visit me and get a trauma because of it, haven't deserved it! Don't go into medicine If You don't have a heart! You'll just ruin so many days and moods. F again.

Tears and laughter.

2009-05-06T03:03:00.002+03:00

Why doesn't my laughter seem sincere anymore? Why do I feel like it's a lie? Why won't my tears come out all the way? Why won't I let them? Why do I keep them back?
There has been a change, but I'm just so afraid that the danger isn't over yet.

Questions, questions and still no answers.

Forgiveness.

2009-04-28T18:59:00.002+03:00

The hardest is to forgive yourself. At least it is like that with me. I carry years of self-blame with me.

Let go, just let go- I tell myself. But I won't listen.

Pfffhm.

2009-04-25T18:42:00.003+03:00

I'm already showing signs of falling off the edge. It's weird. I see it, but I feel like I see it from a distance and I can't help myself. I can just watch the destruction.

Up and down and up and down...

2009-04-23T13:23:00.002+03:00

This totally sucks. Once You feel good and life seems to be on track, something always ruins it. I know, I know. I shouldn't let my happiness to be destroyed so quickly, but this time I really can't help it. I am trying to put up a brave face but I'm just wondering how long I can keep this up and finally start to cry..

Aah. Don't ask.

Lack of nerves.

2009-04-18T03:47:00.002+03:00

My job gives me great "pleasure" of seeing different people. I don't have to go out to meet them, they walk in. Some of them are quite nice and I have fond memories of them, but most of them are just.. idiots. Okay, not idiots. But seeing them I just can't help but wonder- what the hell is going on inside their heads? People can behave like fools without being wasted anyway (I know from personal experience), so why do they need liqueur to make it worse? Beats me. Anyway- Friday and Saturday nights at work are just plain happiness for me.

Aha. A tip for You "Vodka-almighties"- before You start smashing the door back and forth, maybe You should just close it slowly to see if it locks. Just a thought, You know.

PS. I hate being sick, it makes me cranky.

Sleepwalking marathon.

2009-04-10T09:46:00.002+03:00

Yet again I'm choosing pleasure over resting. I was at work Wednesday night. My shift ended 8AM but I didn't go home, because I had a hairdressers appointment next doors at 10 anyway. Well. It didn't do me any good. I spent that 2 hours working overtime (no payment foreseen) and losing millions of my nerves. I finally got home around 13. I was intending to clean my apartment but since I was too tired to stay awake I slept for 6 hours. And then started to clean. I finished 3AM. Yes- AM. Then I went to sleep. I woke up at 7 to go to work. Now- here I am :D Tonight I have some friends coming over. We are going to a pub to listen to our favorite band. And maybe will go somewhere else. I will miss a lot of sleep which is long overdue but yet I feel happy. Because those friends give me energy :)

Anyway. I also wanted to apologize to my blog visitors for not writing that long. I'll try to behave and write at least once a week.
Hugs!
And sunshine :D

A true April's Fool.

2009-04-03T21:52:00.002+03:00

I f**king hate April Fool's Day. Seriously. I even didn't remember two days ago that it was THAT day. I watched the news as always, I read my favorite homepage as always and thought- what has happened to everybody? Okay. I took seriously the news that the fire extinguishers will be changed from red to blue and I seriously believed that Robert Pattinson was going to drop out of New Moon.

Silly me for not knowing the dates in this world. It was supposed to be a normal day or something close to that, but hey- everyone's a clown. And I actually think that news are not the place to make stupid jokes like that.

I blame these kind of people for making this world so paranoid!

Baargh.

Stubbornness.

2009-03-11T02:02:00.001+02:00

Yep. I'm officially an idiot. Hopefully I haven't done too much damage. We'll see.

=)

2009-02-25T00:35:00.000+02:00

Some people just make You feel like You could do anything :D

.

Tallinna tsirkusest.

2009-02-21T06:15:00.003+02:00

Kahjuks on nüüd asjalood nii nagu nad on. Ma ei oska muud miskit öelda, kui et: "Näete nüüd, mida mittehääletamine toob!?". Ei saa enam mingisugused vastuhääletused netis midagi ära teha. Lihtsalt suur suur soovitus- minge 18.oktoobril valima ja hääletage ometigi! Siis ei saa enam kurta, et valed inimesed on pukis. Just mittehääletamise pärast sellised tegelased nagu Tallinnas on, oma tahtmist mööda asju ajavadki.

Oijah, elu iroonia :D:D

Yet another great song.

2009-02-20T00:25:00.000+02:00

Sia - Breathe Me

Trouble sleeping.

2009-02-17T20:28:00.003+02:00

I just started my third night in a row at work and I feel that it's taking its toll on me. I haven't been sleeping a lot, though I thought I would be too exhausted to even wake up to go to work. No. 6 hours and then I wake up. This is so not like me. Something is wrong. And my heart aches also. Both ways.

Khm.

2009-02-17T04:07:00.001+02:00

Tonight's favourite songs:

Celine Dion - All By Myself

Susan Enan - Bring On The Wonder

Well. Yeah..

:(

2009-02-16T23:11:00.002+02:00

I don't know why but I'm way too vulnerable tonight. What the hell? I was doing so well.. I need to get my act together, and fast.

Intellektika.

2009-02-16T00:29:00.002+02:00

Well. This year's was just pointless. There were so few people. Don't they actually care where they want to continue studying? Their choice, I guess. Not that I'm better than that.

I saw someone there and that made me think about my years at school. And how much I hated it. Truly hated. There were some things to keep me distracted like acting class and some good friends, but it still gave me a huge scar for the rest of my life I'm afraid. School is hard and I do admire those who make it. Maybe I will make it too, someday.

2009-02-09T00:53:00.002+02:00

Most of You are probably sick and tired of hearing me talking about Twilight, but I just can't help wondering. Today I realized that I feel sorry for the actors that are in this movie. I mean.. Yes, they got famous. Yes, now they can afford a good life for themselves and their families. Yes, everyone around them adores them. But. After the Twilight-frenzy is over then what happens? Will they be seen only as Edward or Bella or Carlisle etc? Will they be actually taken seriously in other movies? Will people see them other than the vampires that are loved so much? I hope that everything goes well for them afterwards. And that they won't be forgotten. It has happened so many times before when an actor/actress gets famous because of a role and after that there just isn't any more work. That ONE role will haunt them. This kind of thing will definitely happen to some of them. That's just life. Bloody stupid excuse.

Helplessness. I feel so useless.

2009-02-08T22:08:00.001+02:00

There is nothing I can say to make my friend feel better. Even If I try to understand I still don't, because I've never lived through the things he or she has. All I can do is just be and If needed, I can listen. And all I can do is just wait.

Nice!

2009-02-06T04:18:00.002+02:00

Thank You, Jackson, for that! You made my day. So- my favourite quote of the day is 'I don't know- they've got brooms!'.

Check this out and then You'll see where it comes from :D

I want to sleep!

2009-01-30T05:03:00.003+02:00

Damn it! I'm soooooooo tired! I have things to do tomorrow; sorry- already today; that I just can't postpone. And I have to wait for Sunday evening to get a good sleep I crave for so much..

At least this weekend will be different from my other not-so-eventful weekends. I'm going to Pärnumaa for Winter School. My mind is happy and I can't wait for it to begin already. But my body insists to be stubborn and ruin the good thoughts.

Moody.

Impossible.

2009-01-28T23:46:00.000+02:00

I was planning to go to Tallinn in February. That was before I saw my work schedule. Now seeing my friends in Tallinn in February is a lost cause. Yeay!

To be..

2009-01-28T19:54:00.003+02:00

Today Liina was proud of me. I wish I would be that confident as well. We'll see. Right now I'm a bit on the edge, I don't know exactly what to feel. I guess I should be proud of myself too, but there is also a lot of fear that I have to conquer.

Time will tell.

Twinkle-twinkle.

2009-01-25T12:48:00.002+02:00

Somebody said I sparkle today. I guess so. First- I got two good news from R. And second- I'm reading Twilight again. And that sincere love makes me smile like a freak while sitting behind the counter..

Yes! =)

2009-01-22T17:30:00.001+02:00

I got Twilight from the post-office today! =) So all I have to wait for are Eclipse and Breaking Dawn and then my collection is complete.

Happy :)

What do I think..

2009-01-22T05:16:00.002+02:00

So.

I finished Breaking Dawn. It was exactly like reading the last lines of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I feel numb inside. A chapter in my life has ended. I've really learned to love the characters in those books. I'm angry with them, I laugh with them, I love with them. Amazing, amazing job, Stephenie! And this is coming from someone who doesn't even like reading! So I'm looking forward to Midnight Sun and whatever comes afterwords, because even we all know basically what is going to happen; I and probably thousands more just can't get enough of these 'beings' You've created.

I also thought about the Twilight frenzy that has hit the earth so suddenly. One part is yes- the movie. I loved the movie too. But. I just can't help but wonder if this is mainly because of Robert who was absolutely dashing and beautiful in that picture (obviously I'm also one of them who's 'in love with him'). Hopefully people will take the time to actually read also. After reading the saga I realized that I love all of them. Even Aro and Caius :) Because they are as much part it as are all the Cullens, Charlie etc. Now I feel more drawn to their world as opposed to 'mine'. And I think I know the reason for that. Silly but true- love.

I don't want to explain more. Just. I want to recommend You to read those books so You too can be a part of that incredible world. Even though it's fiction, the basic things in life never change. Hard to explain, better to discover YOURSELF!
http://www.stepheniemeyer.com . True master of words.

"I love it when a plan comes together"..

2009-01-18T18:36:00.002+02:00

... as Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith used to say.

Well.

That ain't the case this time. I was in the bookshop. And I only saw New Moon there. Although according to the web page there should have been also Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. When I asked this is what I heard- there is only one Eclipse and one Breaking Dawn left and they have already been reserved by someone.

Aargh. This time I'm just going to spend the extra money and order them via web-shop.

Obviously still addicted. Is there a rehab-center created for this??

Addict 101.

2009-01-17T18:47:00.002+02:00

How to recognize an addict?

Well. Because of that I do not sleep. Because every time I close my eyes I dream about it and I toss and turn around so much in my bed until eventually I give up and open it again. Because I need to know what happens next. And since there is some money in my bank account I wont wait for tomorrow evening;'til Merit brings me last one; I will go to the shop tomorrow morning and spend my last money this month on three books. Seriously, I'm addicted and twisted.

I have Twilight-mania. Obviously.

Pieces.

2009-01-17T11:11:00.001+02:00

From that moment I knew that nothing will ever be the same again.

Bella's Lullaby.

2009-01-11T05:45:00.002+02:00

Love...

You read about it in the books. You watch it in the movies. You hear people talk about it. You see it. You feel it in so many different levels.

But.

I still can't bring myself to believe it will happen to me too. My little sister tells me, my friends tell me.. that I have no reason to be this insecure. But I am. Why is it that it is so easy to see my friends as beautiful as they are? To love them above and beyond, but seeing myself beautiful is the most difficult thing I've ever had to face? I've tried it so many times.. I mean.. standing in front of a mirror and saying out loud that I am beautiful. I felt like I was lying to myself.

Insecurity destroys me. I need to learn to get over the faults I have. I have to learn not to be so damn critical about myself.

Ainult mina saan oma maailma muuta...

No title needed.

2009-01-11T01:58:00.002+02:00

Sometimes I really hate my job. I know I should be a representative of the hotel, but sometimes I would like to scream out loud to the clients that are yelling at me that IT'S NOT MY FAULT! And it doesn't matter how much I apologize, to them I'm still the one to blame. Bloody hell. And what kind of authority do I have when they refuse to pay? It's their right I guess. But what most of the earth doesn't understand that I'm the one that gets the shit thrown at me all the time and I'm the one who goes home with my mood in the gutters somewhere. I know that they dislike the work-me not the real me, but it hurts nevertheless.

Figure it out!

2009-01-01T17:27:00.004+02:00

I just couldn't stop myself from writing this to You. It is just my amazement that has made me grin all day long because of that. On the 26th December Moonika came to visit me. We spent the day sitting in Tsink Plekk Pang and among other things we went to the movies. Movie was quite good but I'm not here to talk about that. Not yet anyway. On my right in the movies sat Moonika and next to her were 2 boys. Literally boys. I think they were about 12 or 13 years old. Anyway. One of them looked at me and WINKED! It was true flirting. I was just confused. I blamed his hormones of course. He did take another long look at me when he left. Moonika told me. I was too upset to lift my eyes from my purse. I didn't think of it again. Until today. The son of one of clients in my hotel walked by me today and said "Krasavitsa" which basically means "What a beauty". And he as well was probably 11 or 12. What the hell is wrong with them? Did they forget the use their glasses or something?? Once again I blame the hormones. Bloody calves, grow up. Then You will look at "normal" women :p I mean tall, blond and skinny babes. In the mean while, let me be looked by men of my age and a little bit older, thank You very much!

PS. The movie we watched was "The day the earth stood still". I'll write of my thoughts about it when I feel like it.

Danger.

2008-12-21T19:39:00.002+02:00

One of my friendships is breaking and what is making me mad the most is the fact that it seems to me like the other part isn't even interested in saving it from sinking. And even though I gave a hint that something is wrong, it didn't work. I am confused and I miss her so much. I just don't get it.

Now I'm feeling truly better.

2008-12-13T06:29:00.002+02:00

Visiting the concert of Metsatöll and Kukerpillid was exactly what I needed. I got to live out in it's truest meaning. Thank You once again Mari and Janeli for coming with me! Although I woke up with the worst neck pain ever I'm still satisfied! I think Metsatöll got a new fan!
And I got to see my "daughter" Piia after such a long time. She has grown up in so many ways and I really felt like an idiot listening to her wise thoughts. She helped me a lot getting over some issues I have. Thanks to talking to her and thanks to that letter I found in my mailbox I'm leveled again. Hopefully for a longer time.
Christmas are coming.. and I can't wait to get out of town. To my grandma's. Where I can wear whatever I want, do whatever I want and If I get the chance I can do some hard labour! Maybe chopping some wood or something. Aah. That's life! =)
Ahaa. And I'm going to see my honeys tonight! Unfortunately 3 of them not, but hopefully we'll get the gang together for New Year's. My bestest thoughts to Pärnumaa where 2 of them are and one special thought to Kivi street! =)

Funny little world with funny little people in it.

2008-12-10T07:57:00.003+02:00

Well. I'm tired as hell, I have to come back to work in the evening. Good news is I don't have any hot water or any central heating today at home. Plus I feel a cold coming and breaking me down. A cold room won't help a bit. But yet I'm not sad or mad. I'm more like.. numb. No feelings whatsoever. I think it's a good thing because it's an improvement. At least I'm not spreading anger.. Some people surprised me yesterday. Some in a really good way and some in not so good way. I'm just afraid of that downhill spiral that is waiting one of them. It's the little things that count in that case. Someone always gets hurt. Intentionally or unintentionally. I'm just hoping for good... .... something something.

Igav.

2008-12-04T16:07:00.001+02:00

Väljakutset on mu ellu vaja. Baah.

No good news.

2008-11-30T10:24:00.002+02:00

Once again my Russian side is mad at Estonian men. They are so god damn slow and can't take a hint even if it slaps them in the face.

Plus my knee hurts really bad.

Anticipation.

2008-11-28T17:17:00.001+02:00

I'm hoping for good news, yes I am!

PS. Mari, thank You! You know my reaction to this, but I'm grateful nevertheless!

Saladus?

2008-11-27T09:45:00.002+02:00

Sille laenas mulle lugemiseks raamatu.. võtsin siis selle eile kätte. Tegemist on 2008.aasta bestselleriga "Saladus", mille autoriks on Rhonda Byrne. Olen jõudnud ära lugeda umbkaudu kolmandiku raamatust ja olen skeptiline. Jah, mõte on hea. Mõtle positiivselt, siis tõmbad ka positiivseid asju ja inimesi enda ümber. Ah ei tea. Muidugi on see õige- on hea tuju, ei morjenda tavaliselt miski. Kõik kuidagi kulgeb. Aga on ju ometigi need päevad, mil lihtsalt on halb. Nö. patareide laadimise aeg. Kes jõuab kogu aeg happy-happy olla?? Ohjah. Loen homme edasi, ehk koguneb terve raamatu peale piisavalt väiteid ja argumente, et mind täielikult veenda. Küllap annan ka teile tagasisidet.

So little to make me happy.

2008-11-24T02:32:00.002+02:00

I feel so good! This weekend was amazing. On Saturday was the Congress of Social Democrats Party and I was one of the helping hands over there. Even though my feet killed me after that day and some people pissed me off, I still enjoyed it. I had my friends there to make me laugh and feel relaxed. Maris did a wonderful job as always. She truly is an amazing person! And there were others there as well who are even closer in my heart again.
Haha. People came from Tallinn that morning and were complaining about the fact that there wasn't any snow in Tartu. They had snow in Tallinn and were hoping to see the beautiful Tartu covered in snow.

In the evening I took a bus after such a long time. I just didn't have the energy to walk up the Riia hill to Gea's place. There was only Gea, me and Raigo and we watched a BBC series called The Tudors. Even though it was interesting we were only able to watch 2 episodes. We had a tiring day behind us. Anyway. We started walking home at midnight. Raigo accompanied me until his turn to home and I went alone down the hill. It was then when it started snowing. And it hasn't stopped since. I love it! It brings me back memories of those winters when the snow was up my knees and when it was too cold to go to school.

And today was time to come to work. My way to work consists of about 400 meters of footpath and then comes a bridge and after that also a little more footpath. I went out of the house at my normal time and discovered that the road hadn't been cleaned and it was all covered in snow. I swamped through it. After a few hundred meters I was out of breath and I wanted water so bad :p On the bridge there was hardly any snow so I could walk normally. I was gasping air through my mouth all the way so naturally I've temporarily lost my voice. Even though my pants were totally wet and I couldn't breathe for a while my spirit is still high and I'm looking forward going home in the morning. I'm going to enjoy this wonderful weather as much as I can. Who knows when the next time comes when there is snow in Estonia. Christmas will probably be black as always.

Hihihhiiii, snoooooooooooow!!!!! :D

Usaldamatus.

2008-11-21T14:31:00.003+02:00

Jalutasin eile päris palju linnas ringi. Ja mõtlesin inimeste peale, kes mu ümber on ja keda ei ole. Ja mõtlesin, et miks ei ole neid inimesi, kes peaksid olema, aga ei ole. Ja jõudsin järeldusele- ma ise ei lase neil oma lähedal olla. Ma ei usalda neid absoluutselt. Ja ma ei saa aru, millest see tuleb. Nad pole ju seda millegagi ära teeninud. Mind nii häirib see, et lasen oma minevikul takistada oma olevikku ja tulevikku. Ja see ütlus "Kes minevikku ei mäleta, elab tulevikuta" on minu jaoks hetkel ikka täielik sõnakõlks. Ma mäletan ja see ei lase mul edasi minna.. Ja see ei lase ka mul oma südant avada ja seepärast keelangi endale asju ja inimesi, mida ja keda ei tohiks keelata. Kardan, et see saab ka seekord nii olema.

Ja hõissa. Jõulukaubad on kõikjal üleval. Tuletage veel meelde!

Imelik uni.

2008-11-19T21:09:00.002+02:00

Üks mu tihe blogilugeja saab aru, kellega seoses ma seda und nägin.

Igatahes. Ma olin koos mingite inimestega ja uksest tuli sisse üks noormees, minu jaoks tegelikult täiesti võõras, aga unes näisin ma teda tundvat.

Ma ehmusin, tõusin püsti ja küsisin: "Kas Teie lennuk on juba maandunud siis?"

Ja ta vastas: "Jah!"

Kahtlane.

Saturday and Sunday and Monday.

2008-11-19T01:02:00.003+02:00

Saturday started a bit sad for me. A family acquaintance died a few days before and in the morning was the funeral.

I wonder if going to funerals will be a every year thing. I've attended every year at least one since 2003. With the exception of 05 and 06. But this year it was already the second one. Will it be like this? The older I get the more people I have to say goodbye to? I guess You want to tell me that's life right? Well.

Anyway. After the funeral I went to the local general assembly of my party. Elections were a circus. Who knows the background, then okay, I won't talk about it in here. I was elected as the of the control commitee. It shall be fun. After that I was invited to a birthday party. Of course I said yes, I didn't have any other plans for that evening.

It was the most fun I've had in weeks. I got to know some people who are even greater people as I thought. And Vello Orumets isn't half bad :P Estonians can understand :D

--

Sunday started when Meelis called me. We met in the shop and bought some groceries. And then we went to my place to make some pancakes. Janika also came and she brought a surprise visitor- Rommy. I was so happy to see him! And these people together I haven't seen in such a long time. I loved the afternoon! We made and ate the pancakes. Made fun of Meelis again, laughed. And then Meelis asked us a favour- if he could touch our feet. We were all looking at each other while thinking "What??". It was a schoolproject. While touching the foot he could tell where You have problems in Your body. If Your foot was aching in one place, that ment You had a problem with one of Your internal organ etc. We laughed at first, but so many things were correct. And it made me think if the other organs he mentioned need checking also. I guess I have to visit some doctors, we'll see.

--

On Monday evening I went to our regular movie-night. It was a movie I've seen before, but there were a lot of new faces present and that made me happy. I hope they will continue spending time with us!

--

In general. I'm not that happy. Here come my moods again. I hope I will get over my insecurities and stop being such a whining ass.

Finally.

2008-11-19T00:49:00.002+02:00

Today for the first time somebody asked me the question- why I started drinking and gave up sobriety for life. What the hell is wrong with the world? Why don't people ask straight from the other person the questions they are so eager to get answers to? Instead they talk behind Your back and criticize You.

I felt so good that finally I could tell my side of the story and the person actually admired me for that. He may not think the same way but at least he knows my thoughts about it. My way to the place I'm right now.

So If You want to know something about me, then please please ask from me. Don't believe the talks from other people, because the truth always gets lost. Even If it's ment well. I'll try to change myself also on that part.

How men treat women.

2008-11-12T17:59:00.002+02:00

A really good example:

Men are sitting in a bar and talking:

"Do You know why men don't trust women?"
"Yeah. How can You trust a creature that bleeds 5 days a month and still doesn't die?"

I hope my future husband doesn't refer to me like that.

Sobiv laul.

2008-11-10T03:47:00.004+02:00

Läheb eelneva postitusega kuidagi hästi kokku.

"Vastused"

See maailm on nii pime,
jääkülm ja üksildane paik,
kus ma.
Ei suuda ennast leida
kui olen läinud kaduma.
Tahtsin minna sinna, kus
ei ole oldud kunagi varem veel
ei ole jäetud jalajälgi maha liivale
ma kõike julgesin proovida
püüdsin muuta iseend,
püüdsin muuta maailma.

Maailmas nii on seatud,
et igal teol on tagajärg
sa tea.
Ja valguskiirusega
ka pimedus võib saabuda
üle vee ja maa ja taeva laotuse
puruneb unistus
ja ühel hetkel
saabub pikk ja piinav üksindus
ta vargsi sinule sosistab:
Oh ära püüa muuta end,
ära püüa muuta maailma.

Keegi vastuseid teab
keegi hoolima peab sinustki.
Aega tagasi sa
keerata ju ei saa kunagi.
Jah päris elus on nii
unenäos teisiti
ikkagi
aega tagasi sa
keerata ju ei saa,
nii kõik kestma jääb lõpuni...

Valu.

2008-11-10T01:15:00.002+02:00

First of all I have to apologize to Frede because I want to write this post in Estonian.

---

Ma olen viimastel päevadel väga mõtteis olnud. Olen mõelnud nii oma elu peale kui ka oma sõprade elu peale. Ja need mõtted ei ole sugugi meeldivad. Mu väga heade sõprade elus on praegu mõõn. Mis tähendab ka seda, et minu elus on mõõn. Mõtlen pidevalt, et kuidas kellegi probleeme ja muresid lahendada. See piinab mind.

Kõigepealt on üks imetore inimene, kes oli nii elurõõmus ja suutis mind naerma ajada. Nüüd peale üht sündmust on temast suur osake kadunud. Ta jutus on tunda kurbust, mis ei kao vist ilmselt iialgi. Eluga minnakse edasi, sest nii lihtsalt peab. Ja pääsu sellest ei ole. Manad näole selle naeratuse, aga õhtul magama minnes tulevad vägisi pisarad silma ja meenutad neid ilusaid aegu. Tahaks, et ta tagasi tuleks. Nii minu ellu, kuna ta on sellest päris kaua eemal olnud ning ta võiks olla selline nagu enne. Aga seda ei juhtu. Sest elu on jätnud oma jälje.

Siis tema. Mulle teeb haiget, kui ta enam ei naerata. Mulle teeb haiget, kui ta suust tulevad alandavad märkused. Mulle teeb haiget, kui nii mina kui ka teised temast hoolivad inimesed saavad täiesti põhjuseta karmide nähvatuste osaliseks. Ja mulle teeb haiget kui ta niimoodi hääbub. See on õnneks mööduv. On vaja lihtsalt eemale saada. Nii temal kui meil.

Tänu ühele sõbrale meenus mulle, miks ma kunagi alkoholi vihkasin. Raske on pooli valida, sest ma pole ammugi enam karsklane. Ma olen tegelikult aru saanud, et alkohol ei ole nii paha nagu ma ise seda kunagi arvasin ning kui palju mulle seda väideti. Seda küll ei ole vaja, ilma selleta saaks ka väga hästi ära elada ning kui tarbida seda normaalsetes kogustes ja teadlikuna oma piiridest, on see ok. Aga on ka need situatsioonid, mis mind nii marru ajavad. Just sellised olukorrad, milles mu sõber praegu on. Elu on ülekohtune, inimesed on ülekohtused. Ja seda mure tahaksin ma kõige enam lahendada. Aga tõsi on see, et teiste pereellu ei tohiks sekkuda. Samas kui asi väga ülekäte läheb, siis ma lihtsalt vilistan selle "viisakuse" peale.

Ja siis on veel suhted. Need keerulised suhted. Need kas teeb elu ise keeruliseks või tehakse neid suisa isiklikult selliseks. Miks on nii, et kaks armastavat inimest peavad üksteisest nii kaugel olema? Neid lahutavad sajad kilomeetrid, mõne puhul lausa ookean. Miks on ikka nii, et armastust segab selline tühine asi nagu raha? No ju siis polegi see nii tühine.

Valu on see, mis meid pikali lööb ja nõuab häälekalt, et me midagi ette võtaks. Astuks selle otsustava sammu. Hirmutav, aga vajalik.

Armastus teeb haiget.

Braking.

2008-11-01T18:21:00.003+02:00

I'm so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I want to get home and sleep. A long time. Otherwise. I miss him. I do.

****2

2008-10-31T14:59:00.000+02:00

I knew it! Just my luck! Aargh!

****

2008-10-31T08:30:00.000+02:00

How can a morning start so lousy?? I wonder what's coming next...

A Cosmo-test.

2008-10-30T17:57:00.002+02:00

Like I've always known- I'm a goat between two haystacks. My sisters Cosmo arrived today so I decided to flip it through. And there was a test called "What's Your personal sex-style". I answered to 6 questions and my answeres devided between two letters- 3 "A"-s and 3 "C"-s. Nice. Which one did I choose the most? :P And of course the solutions had to be complete opposites of each other.

"A"- Your sex-style is romantic. Your flirting is very feminine and You react the best to beautiful words and to sensual touches. "Bang and ready" approach doesn't suite You, You need spiritual connection to the partner that cares about You.
and...
"C"- Your sex-style is playful. In Your opinion sex should be a fun activity, so You act carefree and mischievously. In order to reach jolly pleasure You're willing to try bizarre poses or play silly sex-games.

Laugh out loud! :D

Once again.

2008-10-29T17:29:00.002+02:00

I want to discuss about the issues of relationships. The idea came from a posting of a friend of mine. It made me think about being afraid. I haven't had a relationship in such a long time. The last one where the other person truly cared about me was in the summer of 2005. Imagine that. It has been so long... Lately and mostly I give this excuse- I like when men chase me not the other way around. I tell that this is my Russian pride that don't let me do it myself. But my friend's posting gave me another point of view- maybe I'm just a chicken. Seriously. I can't deny the fact that I've had opportunities, but either the guys are too lazy or they just lose interest...

Either way. The point of my posting is- I'm not going to stress about the "issue" any more. I'm going to live for myself and for my friends. For those who I have and love so much. They are important. And If the right guy comes then he will wait for my sanity and will not run away. And then, just then I will truly learn to trust men.

To love. In any forms.

Whining mood.

2008-10-16T15:59:00.002+03:00

I have had a freakin' pain in my neck for the past two days. I can't turn my neck to the right without feeling an agonizing pain. I think I need a massage, but the point is I don't like it. I don't know anyone who would be able to find the traumatized muscle (Janika could do it, but I won't disturb her) and I don't have the money to go to a professional.

Otherwise everything is well at the moment. Yesterday I saw some people I haven't seen for such a long time and I thought about the friends I have and how much they mean to me and how awful my life would be without them. I felt happy. But still there is something missing and I know what it is. My boss asked me today why I don't have a boyfriend and I honestly didn't know the answer. My other half is missing. But. Kadri told me once that it will happen when I least expect it. I know it's true, but sometimes I feel lonely nevertheless.

Ahaa. If You're wondering why I'm writing in English then the reason is this- as I understood there some none-Estonian people who will be following my blog from now on. So- this is mostly for You, Frede ;) Along with hugs!

Ajendatuna Marise postitusest.

2008-09-24T00:30:00.003+03:00

Jutt käib koolivägivallast. See on tõsiselt hirmus. Ma ise olen selle all kannatanud. Tean, mis tunne see on. Aga ma tänan südamest seda miskit, mis hoidis mind kainena, nii et ma ei läinud oma kooli- ja klassikaaslasi kõmmutama. Ma tean, mis tähendab olla täielikus ahastuses, mil miskit enam ei loe. Seega saan ma ka neist aru, kes on sellise tee valinud.

On ainult see tulistaja süüdi? Ei. Me kõik oleme. Tahad vastu vaielda?

Maris tõi välja hea mõtte- ellujäämisinstikt. Loomariigis on see ju loomulik. Tugevam jääb ellu. Jah, ka meie oleme loomad, aga me oleme siiski niivõrd palju targemad, et me võiks võtta kõiki võrdsetena. Miks me seda siis ometigi ei tee? Vaatame päris paljudele inimestele alla. Hindame neid nende välimuse, finantsseisu, töökoha, palga järgi. Ja see nimekiri on lõputu. Arvustamine on lõputu. Ja kui üks kade ja ääretult haige inimene ees kuulutab, et see ja see on nõme, et ta selline ja selline on, kas siis peame tema moodi olema? Temaga kaasa minema? Miks me vahele ei astu ja ei ütle, et nii pole õige? No ja mis see ütleminegi aitab. Ja need vähesed, kes julgevadki vastu astuda, saavad ise ka mõnituste osaks. Tore on. Ja see toob siia ilma veel ühe katkise hingega inimese. Mulle meenub mu kõige hullem kokkupuutumine füüsilise koolivägivallaga, mil mind üks mu klassikaaslane lõi rusikaga silma. Ma austan tõsiselt neid inimesi, kes suudavad pärast kogu seda sitta, mis siin maailmas nende poole visatakse, ikka tugevaks jääda, et nad oskavad hinnata ja nautida seda head, mis elul pakkuda on.

Mina ise tean ja tunnen, et kannan siiani kaasas oma lapsepõlve ja kooliaja arme kaasas. Tunnistan teile midagi. Kui ma kunagi läksin oma klassijuhataja juurde selle mõttega, et mul on arvatavasti depressioon ja et kool tekitab minus stressi ja kurbust, siis kostus tema suust selline vastus: "Sa teed kindlasti seda kõike selleks, et tähelepanu saada!". Selle all mõtles tema minu popipanemist ja järsult halvenenud hindeid. Vot selline on suhtumine. Peale seda ma jätsingi asja katki. Ja ma pole siiani sellest üle saanud.

Ja kodus kuulsin ma pidevalt selliseid sõnu/sõnaühendeid nagu 'juut', 'neeger', 'idioot', 'loll', 'paks', 'tappa saad', 'mine oma litside juurde', 'japs'. Ma pole absoluutselt uhke, et mul sellised vanemad on. Neid on niimoodi kasvatatud. Sellises ühiskonnas. Massipsühhoos. Nad arvavadki, et nii on õige. Aga noh. Midagi on nad ometigi õigesti teinud, sest ma pean ennast üsnagi normaalseks. Kohati üsnagi "ülevoolavaks", aga siiski normaalseks. Ma olen küll üritanud neile selgeks teha, et ka "neegrid" on inimesed. Selle kohta on hea ütlus- vanale koerale uusi trikke ei õpeta.

Nii see asi käibki. Asi algab enamasti kodust. Mul ei jää mitte midagi muud üle loota, kui et ma ise kasvataksin oma lapsi õigesti. Et kõige kiuste ma näeksin neid sirgumaks headeks inimesteks. Kahjuks ei ole SEE ka minu kätes. Sest jääb veel lasteaed, kool, buss, linn, vägivaldsed filmid, seebiooperid jne jne. Kõik need kohad, kus kasvab viha ja vaen. Kus on normaalne mõnitada, peksta, ähvardada.. Vägivald. Nii vaimselt kui füüsiliselt. Nii tavaline on see ütlus: "Kui sa seda ja seda ei tee, siis ma tapan su lihtsalt ära!". Nii kergekäeliselt suhtutakse inimeludesse.

Valus on kuulda, et naabruses sellised asjad toimuvad. Veel valusam on mõte, et eilne Soome on tänane Eesti. Ja see reaalsus võib meid tabada liigagi kiiresti. Alustagem iseenda muutmisega paremuse poole. Ja jätkakem oma lastega. Pisut naiivne mõte siia lõppu, aga see ütleb lihtsalt kõik- "Make love, not war!".

Palju.

2008-09-23T22:51:00.002+03:00

Eelmisel neljapäeval käisin Illusionis Tanel Padarit kuulamas. Mis siis, et me olime ontlikud ja jõudsime klubisse juba 23.00:p Turvamees ütles, et ta jõuab lavale alles 01 või 01.30. Nojah. Mis vahet seal siis. Me sisustasime aja vestlemise, naeru ja rohke tantsuga. Päris lõpuni me ei jäänud, aga tähtsad laulud said kuulatud (Saatuslik naine) :).

Aitäh Raigole, Ritale, Janale ja Sandrale. Ja Heikki'le, keda juhuslikult seal kohtasin.

Reede hommikul jälle tööle. Võrdlemisi normaalne päev oli, kuigi ikkagi vaikne võrreldes suvega. Ma olen ikka omadega turistihooajas. Olgu. Siis oli ka palju närvikulu ja palju töötunde, aga nii ei jäänud liialt palju vaba aega ja ei tulnud igasuguseid halbu ja mõttetuid mõtteid. Ma ei oska vabade päevadega midagi ette võtta. Märkuseks niipalju, et alates homsest on mul taas paar vaba päeva ja need olen ma enamasti ära sisustanud, jumal tänatud.

Laupäeva öösel olin taas tööl. Hommikul palusin Marisel end äratada kell 10.00. Läksin siis koju, aga mitte magama nagu plaanisin. Mõtlesin, et vahetaks hoopis oma mp3'l muusikat. Saigi aeg sisustatud. Ja siis liikusin juba volikogule. No oli alles tsirkus. Mõned inimesed on ikka tõelised põmmpead, kes hauguvad ja uluvad koos nagu kari hunte ja absoluutselt ei mõtle, mis paneb teist poolt mingitmoodi käituma ning tegutsema. Tolerantsus ja solidaarsus my ass. Aga noh, ka sellega tuleb leppida. Kui inimene millegi väga end puudutava asjaga tegeleb, siis on vist loomulik, et kaitstakse oma seisukohta kirglikult. AGA siiski ei ole vaja juuksekarva lõhki ajada, mida kahjuks paljud teevad. Nautisin oma kallikesi, kes seal olid ning läksin peale paari tundi koju. Väsimus oli suur, aga hea oli oma muusikaga maailma jälgida, kuidas kõik jooksid, olgugi, et oli pühapäev. Magasin kella 4ni hommikul. Tühi kõht ajas üle. Sõin ühe saiakese ja pugesin taas põhku, et hommikul taaskord tööle minna.

Esmaspäev. Oehh. Igav. Õhtul kell 22.00 magama. Ärkasin täna kell 10.30. Rääkisin pisut Davidiga msn'is lendude teemal. Siis jändasin natuke ja otsisin oma mantlit. No ei leidnudki üles. Lihtsalt masendav. Kahjuks ma kõike läbi vaadata ei jõudnud, sest oli vaja tööle minna. Töö juurde õigemini. Ühel töökaaslasel oli sünnipäev. Palju õnne talle veelkord! :) Siiski olenemata rõõmsast sündmusest suutsin ma sealt pahasena ära tulla. Liikusin kontorisse, kus arutlesime noorte perede teemal. Väga huvitav oli! Ma pole ammu end nii hästi tundnud. Valimised on õhus. Ja ma tahan nii väga kampaaniaid juba teha. Raske on kindlasti, aga millegipärast paneb see mind väga elama!

Ja nüüd ma siin istun jälle tööl. Uni on ääretu. Ma magan viimasel ajal liiga palju, ma olen lihtsalt nii väsinud pidevalt. Ei saa aru, miks. Ohjah. Ja juuksed langevad pihutäitena välja. Ime, et veel kiilakas pole. Vajan puhkust? Vitamiine? Või on midagi tõsisemat lahti? Tõesti ei tea. Hommik tulgu juba kiiremini. Magan siis paar tundi ja lähen taas kontorisse. Väsinuna, aga see-eest õnnelikuna.

Ahjaa. Kõik, kes arvavad, et võivad mu õde mustata, mõelgu ümber. Sest minu viha on sel juhul piiritu.

Väärt lugemist.

2008-09-20T20:19:00.001+03:00

Mario Merirand - "Afganistani päevik".

Kas keegi äkki lööks mind?

2008-09-18T17:47:00.001+03:00

Tusatuju. Kurvad laulud. Igatsus. Tühjus. Mul ei tohiks ju midagi viga olla? Miskit pole ju juhtunud! Aga ometigi olen nukker ja nutan.

Cause I had a bad day..

2008-09-14T02:54:00.002+03:00

Kurat! Ma vihkan sellist asja! Inimesed keda ma pidasin oma pereks, teevad mulle niimoodi? Silmakirjalikud ussid! Klatšivad ja laimavad valedega ja ignoreerivad tühja. Millega ma selle ära teeninud küll olen? Nende puhul eriti!! Mitu korda ma olen neile vastu tulnud? Neid aitanud? T**a, ma olen vihane!

Ja mind ärritab ka see, et Harry Potter'i tegijad ei suuda veel selgusele, millal jõuab Segavereline Prints kinodesse. Möhh. Ma olen pettunud fänn.

Ja pealegi on mul veel MS. Deem. No on vaja auru välja lasta! Poksikotti palun. Kiiresti.

Ma ei saa sellega praegu hakkama.

2008-09-11T18:41:00.001+03:00

Ei. Lükkan taaskord edasi. Ma sain aru, et on miskit palju sügavamat, mis mind takistab. Ja enne kui ma pole selgusele jõudnud, ei saa ma ka sellest mättast üle. Elu.

Mul on täna sünnipäev.

2008-09-08T03:46:00.002+03:00

Aga ma ei tunne seda üldse. Saan siis aasta vanemaks või ei saa. Tõttöelda on mul tuju üsnagi paha. Mind suudeti solvata nii nagu mind pole ammu solvatud. Kas ma väärisin seda? Enda arust mitte. Aga eks ma saan ka teise poole mõttekäigust aru. Praegu olen aga vihane. Ehk leebun pea. Sest nädalavahetus pani mind elu üle järele mõtlema. Reede õhtu pidi olema ääretult tore õhtu oma "parimatega". Ja seda see oli. Kuniks pargini. See tegi natuke kurvaks. Kuniks eilseni, mil logisin orkut'isse. Tegi vihaseks. Samas laupäeval.. käisin matustel. Noore inimese matustel. Hakkasin mõtlema sellele, et mis siis, kui mina peaksin oma parimat sõpra matma. Ja mis siis, kui minu viimased sõnad talle on à la suunas "Käi kuradile?". Mina ei suudaks edasi elada. Kas SINA suudaksid? Mõtle sellele. Igatahes. Ma loodan, et see asi laabub pea.

Ja ma olen tänulik, Kurgikastmeke, et Sa mulle andestasid või oled teel andestamisele. Sest mina hoolin Sinust nii väga ja ma ei kujuta ettegi kui Sind enam poleks. Ja see käib nii mõnegi teise inimese kohta mu kõrval. Tülid on ajaraiskamine.

Nägu minevikust.

2008-09-04T03:18:00.002+03:00

See on see kui öösel pole midagi muud teha, kui vaid mõelda.

Mulle meenus üks noormees. Ehk üks esimesi, kes mulle meeldinud on. See oli nii ammu. Ma olin 8ndas klassis, tema 12ndas. Ma mäletan seda, kuidas ma teda kooliaasta algul nägin. Tal olid blondid õlgadeni juuksed, mis olid alt lokkis. Ja ma mäletan seda, et ta jäi mulle silma just sellega, et ta nii eriline oli. Ei mingeid lakutud juukseid, selline mõnusalt messy ja tal oli stiili (loe: ta ei kandnud teksaseid, mis oli tol ajal täielik IT item to have :P). Ja selle aasta jooksul, mil ta viimaseid kordi neil treppidel kõndis ja klassipinkidel istus, rõõmustasin ma iga kord kui teda nägin. Naljakas. Olin siis kõigest 13. Tal endal polnud loomulikult minu olemasolust aimugi. Aga pole oluline. Endal on hea meenutada.

Ja ärge küsige, miks ma selle siia postitasin. Ehk soovist teda uuesti näha? Tõesti ei tea.

Inimesed on hullud.

2008-09-03T22:21:00.002+03:00

Nii naljakas on vaadata, kuidas inimesed sõdivad täiesti mõttetute asjade pärast. Kuidas nad muretsevad nii mõttetute asjade pärast.

Happy, sad and mad.

2008-08-31T21:22:00.002+03:00

I don't know. Lately it has been an emotional roller-coaster. One night I feel happy, then something makes me mad as hell and then I hear bad and as otherwise known- sad news. Right now I feel simply numb. I'm tired. Just tired and tired of feeling something. There is nothing to do at work and that at least gives me a chance to continue reading my book. Allows me to escape. Hopefully tomorrow "the sun will shine". But hey.. no chance I will get some sleep. I'll sleep Tuesday night. Then I finally have time to relax. Desperately needing a vacation of everything- that means.. can't wait for October to come..

Välja mõtlesin.

2008-08-28T22:06:00.002+03:00

Kui keegi mulle sünnipäevaks midagi kingib, siis palun kinkige raha. Sest seda saaksin ma hetkel kõige mõistlikumalt ära kasutada ja õigesse kohta suunata.

Nädalavahetusest Lätis.

2008-08-26T00:20:00.002+03:00

Mul hetkel pea valutab ning ma ei suuda eriti pikalt siin kirjutada, aga. Ma ei kahetse hetkekski, et selle reisi ette võtsin. Selles nädalavahetuses oli kõike.. õnne, pahameelt, kurbust ja tohutut segadust. Aga ma elasin selle üle koos väga heade inimestega. Mõnede inimestega sai suhteid soojendatud, mõne teisega läksid aga külmemaks. Igatahes. Ma nüüd pean kohe täitsa mõtlema, et mida ma teile siia kirjutan ja mida mitte. Ja seda loodevasti üsna pea.

Tugev mina.

2008-08-16T09:21:00.003+03:00

Enda kiituseks saan öelda, et on möödunud üle 48 tunni ja ma pole kordagi nutnud. Vot nii karm mutt olen:P Aga ma ei teinud seda üksi.

Neljapäeval sain olla tööl ja see oli jube tore päev. Kliendid olid super ja töökaaslased nagu alati lõbusad. Õhtul sain koju ja pugesin suhteliselt kohe voodisse. Reedel ~10.30 kõllas Moonika. Kutsus mind Eedenisse kingitust otsima/ostma. Leidsimegi ja suundusime hotelli. Jätsime kingi lauale ja suundusime Moonika juurde. Seal tekkis uus plaan. Lähme Lõunakeskusesse, aga enne käime veel Sirius'est läbi. Ja seda loomulikult jalgsi. Mõeldud tehtud. Nägime "FBI" maja taga Žiguli'd :P. Naljakas oli. See on see, kui mõlemad on pimedad või täielikud kirjaoskamatud. Kiirustasime btw vetsu. Lõunaka parklas kohtusime ühe mu vana sõbraga. Kuna keegi ei tohtinud teada, et ta linnas on, siis tema isik jääb saladuseks.. Aga veetsime temaga hea tunnikese rääkides. Vetsutahtmine ununes ära :P Jätsime temaga hüvasti ja suundusime siis poodidesse.

Käisime Moonika vanal töökohal ja tema nägi oma vanu tuttavaid. Siis jõudsime meigi/parfüümi poodi (ja teate, mul ei ole ausalt selle nimi meeles). Seal rääkisime juttu Moonika endise töökaaslasega. Moonikaga muigasime, et pärast seda lähme lõpuks kemmergusse. Nii lahe tüdruk oli. Sidistas ja sadistas seal. Oleks kõik teenindajad sellised! Lausa lust oli teda jälgida.

Ja siis lõpuks jõudsime vetsu. Oh happy days!

Otsustasime Raigo "peale võtta" ja kesklinna liikuda. Lõunakeskusest väljudes põrkasime kokku veel kahe mu tuttavaga. Tuli välja, et Moonika teab üht neist ja nii leidus meile mõlemale vestluskaaslane. Ahjaa. Väike vahemärkus. Ärge eales öelge, et jõuate viie minuti pärast, sest alati võib miskit ette tulla :P. Kuulsin oma vestlusekäigus midagi huvitavat. Andis mõtlemisainet. Eks vaatab, mida see info pikemas perspektiivis kaasa toob.

Raigo jõudis juba kaks korda enne helistada enne kui me lõpuks temaga kokku saime. Liikusime siis kesklinna poole. Ühel trepil nägime istumas Rainerit. Ta ei tahtnudki meiega ühineda :P Pätt selline. Erakonna kontori juures pidin taas peatuma, sest Janast ja Annakassist ei saa ju ilma kallistusteta mööduda (Moonika, sul juba üle viskanud mu pidev kalliralli? :P). Läksime istuma Suudlevatesse Tudengitesse Meritit ootama. Esimeste jookideringiga läks üsnagi hästi. Raigo lihtsalt ei saanud soovitud jooki ja kui pärast tahtsin mina kuuma šokolaadi, öeldi et kuume jooke ei saagi, kuna kohvivarud Tartuff'i pärast täiesti otsakorral. Just my luck:p Edasi liikusime Pauligi telki, sest liikusid jutud, et sealt saab tasuta kohvi. Saigi :D Cappucino oli väga teretulnud! Jõudis Merit korraks ja jooksis kodu poole riideid vahetama. Meie jäime seniks telki muusikat nautima. Margus Vaher laulis:)

Kui ta tagasi jõudis, liikusime minu poole. Ma pidin veel loomulikult kolme mööduvat tuttavat kallistama ning kolmandat kallistades suutsin ma järjekorsed papud katki teha. Vot see oli alles samm, mida ma koju jõudmiseks kasutasin. Teistel loomulikult nalja nabani. Kodus. Mina käisin seni duši all, kuniks teised chattisid ja rummilikööri nautisid. Vaatasime paar videot mu arvutist ja liikusime sinna, kuhu vaja :p Moonika juurde. Ta pani soojemalt riidesse kuniks teised hotellis käisid. Siinkohal Kristi'le tänusõnad- aitäh, et hädast välja aitasid!

Ja siis suundusime kesklinna taas. Esimene film oli algamas kell 22. Merit lippas koju. Meie istusime maha ~21.40 ja arvasime, et me tahame nüüd jäätist. moonika läks Super Alko'sse neid hankima ja tuli tagasi tühjade kätega :p Järjekord oli üüratu. Siis tekkis plaan poodi minna. Variandiks jäi Co-market. 15 minutit oli jäänud filmi alguseni, aga ära tegime! :D

Film oli hea nagu alati! Moonika oli super ja pidas vastu. Teise filmi ajal ta vaeseke juba tukkus. Üldse ei imesta! Aitäh, kullake, et isegi nii kaua vastu pidasid!

Merit ja Monika (jah, keegi teine :P) jõudsid loomulikult teise filmi ajaks. Filmi lõpupoole jõudsid kohale ka Liina ja Janar. Peale filmi mõtlesime, et võiks veel kuskile minna. Tshekkasime Zavood'i üle. Sama targalt nagu me sinna läksime, tulime ka 7 minutit hiljem tagasi :P Suundusime siis Statoili. Terve tee ajas mind Monika naerma. Super inimene, keda polnud liialt ammu näinud. Vetsujärjekord oli jubedalt pikk. Aga õnneks hoidsid meid Cosmopolitan, FHM ja Playboy ärkvel :P Ja kusjuures Cosmot lugesid meie seltskonna mehed ja FHM ning Playboy jäid naistele näppu :D

Saime kõhud täis ja oligi aeg lahku minna. Liina ja Janar saatsid mind koju. Mida ma küll teieta teeks? Tõsiselt. On väheseid inimesi, kes jõuavad mind nii hilistel öötundidel/ varajastel hommikutundidel ära kuulata ja mulle niimoodi toeks olla. Aitäh, musid!

Vägagi tegus päev ja öö olid. Ja ma võlgnen selle kõik 6-le armsale inimesele- Moonika'le, Raigo'le, Merit'ile, Monika'le, Liina'le ja Janar'ile.

Ahjaa.

2008-08-14T17:23:00.001+03:00

Peale ööfilmi käisime veel Tähetornis tähti vaatamas. Kuigi nägime vaid pilvi, oleme siiski jäädvustatud sinna kui numbrid 66 ja 67 :)

Elu õpetab.

2008-08-14T16:57:00.002+03:00

Eile oli muidu täitsa normaalne päev kuni aeg jõudis õhtusse ja kõik kildudeks kukkus. Detailidest ei räägi, aga mõneks ajaks on minul taaskord isu täis. Mul on liim ka otsas ja raha pole, et uut osta. Õnneks on olemas sõbrad, kes on sulle liimi eest, tasuta. Mul on nii hea öö tänu Moonikale. Ah mõelge, mida tahate :P Läksime Pange teed jooma, aga sinna jõudes sõime ja jõime, aga tee läks küll meelest. Nii naljakas oli. Ja ma hämmastun selles tüdrukus iga korraga ikka rohkem. Mitte et hulle siin ilmas veel vähe oleks, eks ole :p Ja pärast jalutasime Raekoja platsile Tartuff'i nautima. Jõudsime parasjagu ööfilmi alguseks. See oli selline film, mis pani mind totaalselt unustama selle päeva koledused ja pani mind taas lootma. Soovitan Teilegi- "Across the universe". Kuigi ok, täna on natuke halb tuju ka tagasi tulnud, aga see on siiski väga väike, arvestades seda, et ilma Moonikata oleks ma õhtu otsa lihtsalt kodus nutnud.

Elu on muusikavideo.

Eile.

2008-08-09T08:29:00.002+03:00

Ma olin eile üksi kodus kui helises telefon. Helistas kallis Moonika, küsis, et kas mul õhtuks plaane. Loomulikult mul ei olnud. Niisiis läksime jalutama. Tõsiselt pikk ja vägagi nauditav jalutuskäik oli.. ja Merit oli alati mõtteis meiega (siinkohal soovime talle kiiret paranemist, et me tema head seltskonda jälle nautida saaks!). Nägime linnas pruuti, kelle kleit nägi välja nagu vahukooretort.. põrkasime kokku ühe minu tuttavaga.. rääkisime natuke ja jalutasime Moonikaga edasi. Ja siis kui me olime nautimas üht kindlat vaadet (jäägu see meie vahele :P) helises mu telefon jälle. Mind kutsuti klubisse. olgugi, et see õhtu oli plaanitud tänasele, oli mul vaja 10 minutiga koju jõuda, 10 minutiga valmis seada ja teele asuda. Mehed kurask, alati peab ikka kõik nende pilli järgi käima :P Õhtu igatahes oli super. Pole ammu nii tore olnud. Tore on olnud, aga mitte niimoodi. Detailid jäägu saladuseks.
Ahjaa. Eilse õhtu/varajase hommiku parim tsitaat on selline- "G-punktil on pohhui kui niisama tühja tonksutatakse!".

Prr.

2008-08-08T10:35:00.002+03:00

Ajab ikka närvi küll. Räägi otse. Hullem veel kui loen seda nädalaid hiljem Sinu blogist, et Sul sellega probleem on. Analüüsi iseennast, jäta minu elu rahule!

Ma vajan midagi.

2008-08-03T06:15:00.000+03:00

Aga ma tõesti ei tea mida. Nukrus.

Täna..

2008-08-01T21:41:00.002+03:00

... tuli üks ammune tuttav mulle tööle külla. Me ei olnud üksteist ammu näinud. Ja ta kallistas mind täpselt nii nagu poleks sada aastat mind kallistada saanud. Pikalt ja tugevalt. Ütles, et ei taha lahti lasta. Ja nüüd tunnen ma end nii üksi. Küllap olen ma nii kogu aeg tundnud, aga olen seda palju töötamisega endast eemale tõuganud.. seda üksindustunnet. Nüüd istun tööl ja tunnen, et sellest enam ei piisa. Raske on hetkel.

Üks minu probleemidest...

2008-07-21T22:53:00.002+03:00

... on see, et ma hoian oma mured endas ja kogun kuni mingi hetk lihtsalt kõik plahvatab. Samas ma ei tea. Ma ei leia, et peaksin kedagi oma muredega koormama, veel enam kui mulle öeldakse, et ma vingun liiga palju. Samas ma tahan probleeme läbi rääkida, analüüsida. Ma olen lihtsalt selline. Praegu närib mind üks väga suur asi. Ma ei nimetaks seda mureks. See on pigem midagi, mis muudaks mu elu vägagi drastiliselt. Plussid ja miinused keerlevad mu peas ja ma tunnen, et lähen hulluks. Tahan nii ühe inimesega rääkida, sest tean, et tema on see, kes mulle oskab otse öelda, ilma et ta mind solvaks. Aga ta on ära ja ma ei taha telefonis sellest rääkida.
Praegu saan ise loodetavasti hakkama. Eks ta raske saab olema, aga elu ongi selline. Seda tahate ju mulle öelda? :)

Kauaoodatud kaunikene?

2008-07-03T22:47:00.005+03:00

Homme saabub lõpuks ometi päev, mil algavad SDE suvepäevad. On saadud kaua neid oodata ja loota, et just neil päevadel tööl ei peaks olema. Täna öösel küll olen ja homme päeval peab asjatama, aga olen üsna kindel, et see on seda ohvrit väärt, et terve nädalavahetus veeta rutiinist eemal ja heas seltskonnas. Eriti ootan Marise nägemist, kes mind aeg-ajalt üllatab oma kõnedega ja siira huviga, et kuidas mul läheb. Ja siis veel Merit. Teeme ära? :P Ja tegelikult on palju-palju inimesi, kes on vahepeal nägemata olnud. Loodan, et nad liiga suureks ei ole kasvanud ja ma nad ikka ära tunnen :p Muljetan ehk järgmise nädala alguses, kui tekib tuju siia kirjutada.

PS. Suured tänud Liinale ja Janarile 1.juuli õhtupooliku eest ning Moonikale, kes minuga kanali ääres "chillis".

Nagu külma vette visatud.

2008-07-01T05:48:00.002+03:00

Elektrikatkestus. Tööl. Keset ööd. See tähendab ka seda, et välja helistada ei saa ning sul pole õrna aimugi, mida sel puhul teha. Hea, et mul need paar krooni kõnekaardil olid, et sain ikka ülemusele helistada. Muidu kõige hullem vist polekski olnud, kui piiksuma poleks hakanud aparaadid, millega mul seni pistmist pole olnud. Phääh. Kogemuse võrra rikkam ja paarist miljonist närvirakust ilma. Teen tööd edasi.

Otsustatud.

2008-06-29T23:29:00.000+03:00

P. Näitan reedel :)

Kaks P'd.

2008-06-26T02:12:00.002+03:00

Mul on dilemma. Ei oska valida. See ei ole mingi kontimurdev otsus, aga kuidagi raske ikka. Poolt- ja vastuargumendid siinkohal ei aita. Viivitan pühapäevani ja kui selleks ajaks ei ole kindel, valin huupi.