There's always a dark spot..

I've been very happy lately! =) Seriously happy! =)

First. I made it quits with the Social Democratic Youth. I did have regrets a bit before their board gathered but the more time goes on I realize how right that decision was. Being with some people there made me so unhappy and I didn't even realize how much! True friends from that organization know how to contact me in other ways and I truly appreciate still having them in my life! =)

Second. I attended my pre-departing training and it made me realize that I'm really really going away for a year. I did know it before but there it just turned into reality. This means...

Third. I have now only a month + few days of working left. August I will take for myself- for attending the camp in Norway, for throwing my farewell-party, for just relaxing and getting almost normal sleeping schedule back.

Fourth. My darling Liisu graduated from high-school. She looked amazing and I'm so proud of my adoptive sister! =)

All these things make my soul feel light. And I can't wait for my EVS year to begin! It will be a great one, I'm sure! =)

But with all the happiness there still is a thorn in my soul. There's worry about one particular person. And it's actually driving me insane not to be able to do anything about it. I wish I could help. But it's not allowed. I hope that this certain part of me will get fixed soon. Otherwise I'm afraid my sadness will come back.

Huh, I'm going to shake it off now. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Will be in happy-mood again =)




38 days left until Experience 2010!!! =D

Movies of 2010

I started to think about the movies of 2010 I need to go to see in the movies. Plus what movies I have to rent since I haven't seen them.

Renting (or downloading)-
Avatar (can't believe I missed it)
(500) Days of Summer (recommendedby a friend)
Taking Woodstock (recommended)
Disko ja tuumasõda (recommended)

Movies-
The A-Team (not sure if it's good, but I need to know myself)
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (even though I didn't like New Moon at all I'm hoping David Slade made a better job)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (tradition)
Sex and the City 2 (I'm a girl, what more can I say?)
Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D (I do have the first 2 movies in DVD's at home, quite like the saga even though it's not my favorite genre)


Any other suggestions? =)

The more I talk and explain the bitchier I feel. Am I trying to convince others or myself? Am I really as bad as they're saying?
This doesn't help at all..

The drawer.

I feel like my brain could explode sometimes. I have so many thoughts in my head and they are all mixed up and tangled like a ball of yarn. And I can't seem to manage to untangle them. Where to start? And some thoughts and questions will haunt me forever, until I get my answer. And the answer has to be thorough in order for me to discard it. And I hate not having a person beside me who knows me and accepts me the way I am. Okay, I have few people like that, but they are mostly far away. And let's be honest. Msn, facebook, phone calls.. they just don't fill the feeling, the longing.. Sometimes I wish to jump. Jump and just keep falling. And not have to think. Pure of thoughts, pure of everything. Just the air in my lungs and the wind on my skin. I long for silence. But it's impossible now. And I keep collecting thoughts in my brain. I call it my drawer, because I'm incapable to store them on a piece of paper. Even this post is difficult and takes a lot of willing.
I miss you! And you! And you! And I just need you to contact me, stop being to distant. I need you.

Say you love someone if you do!

Got a little scare tonight. But I'm glad Peter and Marie got away with minor injuries!
Life is short. Seriously. It could all end just like that. It's a matter of seconds. I told Peter that I love him the day before and I will tell it now even more often. Because I don't want him not to know it.
Cherish your friends and loved ones!
Hugs.

Maybe you know?

Why do people always love wrong people? I know I have asked this question before but this time it came haunting again.

We never believe in us. We never believe that we are worth the best. And thus we torment ourselves with loving persons who (if you really tell yourself the truth) will never love you the way you love them. For them you are like a shoulder to cry on, a place to let your sorrow out. But it ends there. Because they take their happy thoughts and moments somewhere else. And you, who has seen the weak side of a human being fall in love. And since you know the persons deepest secrets and you understand why he is acting like that you let yourself to be treated badly; while saying yourself- 'It's okay, he doesn't mean it like that. Not really. He just has to solve the problems he has and then he will see how wonderful he is.' And secretly you hope things between you and him will change. From friendship to more.

But it won't. It may be pessimistic but through this misery you could actually miss the person you were supposed to be with all along. Yeah, yeah. If it's supposed to be true love then it will happen anyway. But I just have to ask myself- how long I can and must wait? When is the right time to give up and grab some other great potential relationship possibility; or when is the right time to wait?

Fortunately I don't have to deal with this kind of a problem at the moment. But a good friend of does. We haven't known each other for long but I already know this person is going to be my friend for a very long time. And I hate when friends of mine are hurting. It always makes me feel hopeless. But I'm trying not to pressure, I try to let my friend deal with it by herself/himself. I hope the right decision comes. No matter what, I'll sit beside you.


---


But me. I'm happy now. I always feel happy when being with Active people. I feel like home. I'm just sad that tomorrow it will end. Not for eternity but for this time. But it will feel like an eternity nevertheless. Anyways. Sweet dreams, my dears, time for bed.

XOXO, the Russian girl =P

A.

I would never have thought I could actually hate myself more than I already do.


I had to do it. For the greater good, you see.

Do you?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I wanna scream!! =s

Life shows.

Yesterday my Paide girls came to Tartu again because our favorite band was playing in Püssirohukelder. The night was great mostly but still there are some bad memories to have. When we arrived there it was about 20.45. We sat in a table and while Mona was putting away our coats a dude from a near-by table yelled at her 'Meat! Meat!'. Well. Nice, isn't it? That was kind of innocent. We let it go quickly. The band invited us to their table as usual so we got away from that unwanted company.

Dancing. We dance in a circle. Normal, right? It usually is. From time to time Mona or Moonika or me have to bounce some people away from Lenna cause they stumble on her (for those who don't know- Lenna is in a wheelchair). Well, yesterday was pure madness. Seems all we did was fight off people who fell on her. Usually we just slightly push the people away with dance moves and sometimes we have to tell people to be careful. It's enough then. But not yesterday. From the same 'Meat' company there were people who were obviously drunk and dancing with no sense of rhythm or music for that matter. We frequently told them to be careful, pushed them away with little more force even but they were to shitfaced to comprehend the problem. And from what we saw we don't think it was just alcohol that made them so blear-eyed but we suspect there were some kind of drugs involved also. When the band wasn't playing they 'danced' to the stereo music. They fell down a lot. At some point the security guard (finally) came and threw a girl out.

That of course wasn't the most eventful happening of the evening. We were dancing and then we heard it. A big crashing sound. I turned around just when I saw the shards of glass flying all around. http://www.pyss.ee/?page=7&sub=2&pilt=1503 . If You look at the picture then to the left situates the stage. In front of it is the dance floor. And beside the floor there are the 4 tables you can see in the picture also. Well. The thing that crashed was a wooden barrel that fell off the display section between the first and the second storey. It landed exactly there were some minutes ago a group of people were sitting. Thank God they were dancing also!!! And it wasn't the pubs fault! Some asshole was standing on the barrel (that's what the lead singer told us) and when he decided to climb back up he accidentally kicked the barrel away. Really. I can't imagine what the people who were there just minutes before felt after that bang. Even I was shaken by it. Moonika took time to calm me down. Things like that bring up my worst memories. Things I've witnessed. Things that happen to me I can mostly forget; but if someone else is hurt it will haunt me forever.

I already lacked a good nights sleep and yesterday when I only had 3 hours for sleep I just couldn't. So now I am here, sitting at work and fighting the desperate urge to sleep. Few hours left, yes!!=) And then I'm offline till tomorrow evening. I hope I can sleep tonight.

What I wanted to say with this post is that this is why I hate alcohol more and more every freaking day. It would never(!) have happened if that man had been sober!!

And girls! Thank you again for a wonderful night! It never is boring with you, isn't it? =D

Hugs to you all!