A.

I would never have thought I could actually hate myself more than I already do.


I had to do it. For the greater good, you see.

Do you?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I wanna scream!! =s

Life shows.

Yesterday my Paide girls came to Tartu again because our favorite band was playing in Püssirohukelder. The night was great mostly but still there are some bad memories to have. When we arrived there it was about 20.45. We sat in a table and while Mona was putting away our coats a dude from a near-by table yelled at her 'Meat! Meat!'. Well. Nice, isn't it? That was kind of innocent. We let it go quickly. The band invited us to their table as usual so we got away from that unwanted company.

Dancing. We dance in a circle. Normal, right? It usually is. From time to time Mona or Moonika or me have to bounce some people away from Lenna cause they stumble on her (for those who don't know- Lenna is in a wheelchair). Well, yesterday was pure madness. Seems all we did was fight off people who fell on her. Usually we just slightly push the people away with dance moves and sometimes we have to tell people to be careful. It's enough then. But not yesterday. From the same 'Meat' company there were people who were obviously drunk and dancing with no sense of rhythm or music for that matter. We frequently told them to be careful, pushed them away with little more force even but they were to shitfaced to comprehend the problem. And from what we saw we don't think it was just alcohol that made them so blear-eyed but we suspect there were some kind of drugs involved also. When the band wasn't playing they 'danced' to the stereo music. They fell down a lot. At some point the security guard (finally) came and threw a girl out.

That of course wasn't the most eventful happening of the evening. We were dancing and then we heard it. A big crashing sound. I turned around just when I saw the shards of glass flying all around. http://www.pyss.ee/?page=7&sub=2&pilt=1503 . If You look at the picture then to the left situates the stage. In front of it is the dance floor. And beside the floor there are the 4 tables you can see in the picture also. Well. The thing that crashed was a wooden barrel that fell off the display section between the first and the second storey. It landed exactly there were some minutes ago a group of people were sitting. Thank God they were dancing also!!! And it wasn't the pubs fault! Some asshole was standing on the barrel (that's what the lead singer told us) and when he decided to climb back up he accidentally kicked the barrel away. Really. I can't imagine what the people who were there just minutes before felt after that bang. Even I was shaken by it. Moonika took time to calm me down. Things like that bring up my worst memories. Things I've witnessed. Things that happen to me I can mostly forget; but if someone else is hurt it will haunt me forever.

I already lacked a good nights sleep and yesterday when I only had 3 hours for sleep I just couldn't. So now I am here, sitting at work and fighting the desperate urge to sleep. Few hours left, yes!!=) And then I'm offline till tomorrow evening. I hope I can sleep tonight.

What I wanted to say with this post is that this is why I hate alcohol more and more every freaking day. It would never(!) have happened if that man had been sober!!

And girls! Thank you again for a wonderful night! It never is boring with you, isn't it? =D

Hugs to you all!

Jumping over my shadow.

I've always been like that. Whenever I have bad mood I prefer to deal with it alone. I hate people's eyes on me when I feel myself ugly. And sadness makes me feel ugly and not worthy of showing. I prefer people remembering the goofy silly laughing me. That is why my best friends have to suffer so much. They want to help but I just won't let them. "Get over it, Eliina. That's what friends are for!" I keep telling myself over and over again. It's so hard. Now I have 2 persons in my life with whom I feel almost just a little bit comfortable being with when I don't feel like being with people. That's a really big step for me. I really hope I'll manage it better in the future and stop being such a whiny ass bitch. Phoof.