No good news.

Once again my Russian side is mad at Estonian men. They are so god damn slow and can't take a hint even if it slaps them in the face.

Plus my knee hurts really bad.

Anticipation.

I'm hoping for good news, yes I am!


PS. Mari, thank You! You know my reaction to this, but I'm grateful nevertheless!

Saladus?

Sille laenas mulle lugemiseks raamatu.. võtsin siis selle eile kätte. Tegemist on 2008.aasta bestselleriga "Saladus", mille autoriks on Rhonda Byrne. Olen jõudnud ära lugeda umbkaudu kolmandiku raamatust ja olen skeptiline. Jah, mõte on hea. Mõtle positiivselt, siis tõmbad ka positiivseid asju ja inimesi enda ümber. Ah ei tea. Muidugi on see õige- on hea tuju, ei morjenda tavaliselt miski. Kõik kuidagi kulgeb. Aga on ju ometigi need päevad, mil lihtsalt on halb. Nö. patareide laadimise aeg. Kes jõuab kogu aeg happy-happy olla?? Ohjah. Loen homme edasi, ehk koguneb terve raamatu peale piisavalt väiteid ja argumente, et mind täielikult veenda. Küllap annan ka teile tagasisidet.

So little to make me happy.

I feel so good! This weekend was amazing. On Saturday was the Congress of Social Democrats Party and I was one of the helping hands over there. Even though my feet killed me after that day and some people pissed me off, I still enjoyed it. I had my friends there to make me laugh and feel relaxed. Maris did a wonderful job as always. She truly is an amazing person! And there were others there as well who are even closer in my heart again.
Haha. People came from Tallinn that morning and were complaining about the fact that there wasn't any snow in Tartu. They had snow in Tallinn and were hoping to see the beautiful Tartu covered in snow.

In the evening I took a bus after such a long time. I just didn't have the energy to walk up the Riia hill to Gea's place. There was only Gea, me and Raigo and we watched a BBC series called The Tudors. Even though it was interesting we were only able to watch 2 episodes. We had a tiring day behind us. Anyway. We started walking home at midnight. Raigo accompanied me until his turn to home and I went alone down the hill. It was then when it started snowing. And it hasn't stopped since. I love it! It brings me back memories of those winters when the snow was up my knees and when it was too cold to go to school.

And today was time to come to work. My way to work consists of about 400 meters of footpath and then comes a bridge and after that also a little more footpath. I went out of the house at my normal time and discovered that the road hadn't been cleaned and it was all covered in snow. I swamped through it. After a few hundred meters I was out of breath and I wanted water so bad :p On the bridge there was hardly any snow so I could walk normally. I was gasping air through my mouth all the way so naturally I've temporarily lost my voice. Even though my pants were totally wet and I couldn't breathe for a while my spirit is still high and I'm looking forward going home in the morning. I'm going to enjoy this wonderful weather as much as I can. Who knows when the next time comes when there is snow in Estonia. Christmas will probably be black as always.

Hihihhiiii, snoooooooooooow!!!!! :D

Usaldamatus.

Jalutasin eile päris palju linnas ringi. Ja mõtlesin inimeste peale, kes mu ümber on ja keda ei ole. Ja mõtlesin, et miks ei ole neid inimesi, kes peaksid olema, aga ei ole. Ja jõudsin järeldusele- ma ise ei lase neil oma lähedal olla. Ma ei usalda neid absoluutselt. Ja ma ei saa aru, millest see tuleb. Nad pole ju seda millegagi ära teeninud. Mind nii häirib see, et lasen oma minevikul takistada oma olevikku ja tulevikku. Ja see ütlus "Kes minevikku ei mäleta, elab tulevikuta" on minu jaoks hetkel ikka täielik sõnakõlks. Ma mäletan ja see ei lase mul edasi minna.. Ja see ei lase ka mul oma südant avada ja seepärast keelangi endale asju ja inimesi, mida ja keda ei tohiks keelata. Kardan, et see saab ka seekord nii olema.

Ja hõissa. Jõulukaubad on kõikjal üleval. Tuletage veel meelde!

Imelik uni.

Üks mu tihe blogilugeja saab aru, kellega seoses ma seda und nägin.

Igatahes. Ma olin koos mingite inimestega ja uksest tuli sisse üks noormees, minu jaoks tegelikult täiesti võõras, aga unes näisin ma teda tundvat.

Ma ehmusin, tõusin püsti ja küsisin: "Kas Teie lennuk on juba maandunud siis?"

Ja ta vastas: "Jah!"


Kahtlane.

Saturday and Sunday and Monday.

Saturday started a bit sad for me. A family acquaintance died a few days before and in the morning was the funeral.

I wonder if going to funerals will be a every year thing. I've attended every year at least one since 2003. With the exception of 05 and 06. But this year it was already the second one. Will it be like this? The older I get the more people I have to say goodbye to? I guess You want to tell me that's life right? Well.

Anyway. After the funeral I went to the local general assembly of my party. Elections were a circus. Who knows the background, then okay, I won't talk about it in here. I was elected as the of the control commitee. It shall be fun. After that I was invited to a birthday party. Of course I said yes, I didn't have any other plans for that evening.

It was the most fun I've had in weeks. I got to know some people who are even greater people as I thought. And Vello Orumets isn't half bad :P Estonians can understand :D

--

Sunday started when Meelis called me. We met in the shop and bought some groceries. And then we went to my place to make some pancakes. Janika also came and she brought a surprise visitor- Rommy. I was so happy to see him! And these people together I haven't seen in such a long time. I loved the afternoon! We made and ate the pancakes. Made fun of Meelis again, laughed. And then Meelis asked us a favour- if he could touch our feet. We were all looking at each other while thinking "What??". It was a schoolproject. While touching the foot he could tell where You have problems in Your body. If Your foot was aching in one place, that ment You had a problem with one of Your internal organ etc. We laughed at first, but so many things were correct. And it made me think if the other organs he mentioned need checking also. I guess I have to visit some doctors, we'll see.

--

On Monday evening I went to our regular movie-night. It was a movie I've seen before, but there were a lot of new faces present and that made me happy. I hope they will continue spending time with us!

--

In general. I'm not that happy. Here come my moods again. I hope I will get over my insecurities and stop being such a whining ass.

Finally.

Today for the first time somebody asked me the question- why I started drinking and gave up sobriety for life. What the hell is wrong with the world? Why don't people ask straight from the other person the questions they are so eager to get answers to? Instead they talk behind Your back and criticize You.

I felt so good that finally I could tell my side of the story and the person actually admired me for that. He may not think the same way but at least he knows my thoughts about it. My way to the place I'm right now.

So If You want to know something about me, then please please ask from me. Don't believe the talks from other people, because the truth always gets lost. Even If it's ment well. I'll try to change myself also on that part.

How men treat women.

A really good example:

Men are sitting in a bar and talking:

"Do You know why men don't trust women?"
"Yeah. How can You trust a creature that bleeds 5 days a month and still doesn't die?"



I hope my future husband doesn't refer to me like that.

Sobiv laul.

Läheb eelneva postitusega kuidagi hästi kokku.



"Vastused"

See maailm on nii pime,
jääkülm ja üksildane paik,
kus ma.
Ei suuda ennast leida
kui olen läinud kaduma.
Tahtsin minna sinna, kus
ei ole oldud kunagi varem veel
ei ole jäetud jalajälgi maha liivale
ma kõike julgesin proovida
püüdsin muuta iseend,
püüdsin muuta maailma.

Maailmas nii on seatud,
et igal teol on tagajärg
sa tea.
Ja valguskiirusega
ka pimedus võib saabuda
üle vee ja maa ja taeva laotuse
puruneb unistus
ja ühel hetkel
saabub pikk ja piinav üksindus
ta vargsi sinule sosistab:
Oh ära püüa muuta end,
ära püüa muuta maailma.

Keegi vastuseid teab
keegi hoolima peab sinustki.
Aega tagasi sa
keerata ju ei saa kunagi.
Jah päris elus on nii
unenäos teisiti
ikkagi
aega tagasi sa
keerata ju ei saa,
nii kõik kestma jääb lõpuni...

Valu.

First of all I have to apologize to Frede because I want to write this post in Estonian.

---

Ma olen viimastel päevadel väga mõtteis olnud. Olen mõelnud nii oma elu peale kui ka oma sõprade elu peale. Ja need mõtted ei ole sugugi meeldivad. Mu väga heade sõprade elus on praegu mõõn. Mis tähendab ka seda, et minu elus on mõõn. Mõtlen pidevalt, et kuidas kellegi probleeme ja muresid lahendada. See piinab mind.

Kõigepealt on üks imetore inimene, kes oli nii elurõõmus ja suutis mind naerma ajada. Nüüd peale üht sündmust on temast suur osake kadunud. Ta jutus on tunda kurbust, mis ei kao vist ilmselt iialgi. Eluga minnakse edasi, sest nii lihtsalt peab. Ja pääsu sellest ei ole. Manad näole selle naeratuse, aga õhtul magama minnes tulevad vägisi pisarad silma ja meenutad neid ilusaid aegu. Tahaks, et ta tagasi tuleks. Nii minu ellu, kuna ta on sellest päris kaua eemal olnud ning ta võiks olla selline nagu enne. Aga seda ei juhtu. Sest elu on jätnud oma jälje.

Siis tema. Mulle teeb haiget, kui ta enam ei naerata. Mulle teeb haiget, kui ta suust tulevad alandavad märkused. Mulle teeb haiget, kui nii mina kui ka teised temast hoolivad inimesed saavad täiesti põhjuseta karmide nähvatuste osaliseks. Ja mulle teeb haiget kui ta niimoodi hääbub. See on õnneks mööduv. On vaja lihtsalt eemale saada. Nii temal kui meil.

Tänu ühele sõbrale meenus mulle, miks ma kunagi alkoholi vihkasin. Raske on pooli valida, sest ma pole ammugi enam karsklane. Ma olen tegelikult aru saanud, et alkohol ei ole nii paha nagu ma ise seda kunagi arvasin ning kui palju mulle seda väideti. Seda küll ei ole vaja, ilma selleta saaks ka väga hästi ära elada ning kui tarbida seda normaalsetes kogustes ja teadlikuna oma piiridest, on see ok. Aga on ka need situatsioonid, mis mind nii marru ajavad. Just sellised olukorrad, milles mu sõber praegu on. Elu on ülekohtune, inimesed on ülekohtused. Ja seda mure tahaksin ma kõige enam lahendada. Aga tõsi on see, et teiste pereellu ei tohiks sekkuda. Samas kui asi väga ülekäte läheb, siis ma lihtsalt vilistan selle "viisakuse" peale.

Ja siis on veel suhted. Need keerulised suhted. Need kas teeb elu ise keeruliseks või tehakse neid suisa isiklikult selliseks. Miks on nii, et kaks armastavat inimest peavad üksteisest nii kaugel olema? Neid lahutavad sajad kilomeetrid, mõne puhul lausa ookean. Miks on ikka nii, et armastust segab selline tühine asi nagu raha? No ju siis polegi see nii tühine.

Valu on see, mis meid pikali lööb ja nõuab häälekalt, et me midagi ette võtaks. Astuks selle otsustava sammu. Hirmutav, aga vajalik.





Armastus teeb haiget.

Braking.

I'm so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I want to get home and sleep. A long time. Otherwise. I miss him. I do.